tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77162660310060827522024-03-05T12:10:53.604-05:00Coping with SIDSWe lost our seven week old son in August of 2010. This is a blog that attempts to help me deal with my feelings surrounding his death and to try to help me move forward.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.comBlogger236125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-45054304545058124582013-11-08T11:32:00.000-05:002013-11-08T11:32:45.313-05:00FREE Book Giveaway From Saturday November 9th until Monday November 11th you can download <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Grief-Anti-Guide-Infant-Loss-ebook/dp/B00DYM7DO2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383927821&sr=8-1&keywords=the+anti-guide+to+infant+loss" target="_blank">COPING WITH GRIEF: THE ANTI-GUIDE TO INFANT LOSS</a> for free on Amazon. <br />
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This is a limited offer that should have run during Infant Loss Awareness Month but, better late than never. Also, proceeds from paperback and ebook sales are still going to the Empty Arms Foundation for the rest of November, too. Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01584804886565484963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-52097778507215838432013-11-01T13:22:00.000-04:002013-11-01T13:22:42.309-04:003-1 Anthology <h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="messageBody"><span class="userContent">I
am happy to announce that my story RED ANT will appear in an upcoming anthology called "Three Minus
One." It is tied into an upcoming movie starring Minnie Driver and
Alfred Molina about a couple who suffers a stillbirth called RETURN TO ZERO. </span></span></span></span></h5>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01584804886565484963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-43913699371680555972013-10-25T18:37:00.001-04:002013-10-25T18:37:40.325-04:00Sharing the month Over the course of the past few weeks I've watched several of my friends really struggle as they've tried to hold fundraisers for their SIDS foundations and organizations. Some have been more successful than others. <br />
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What's frustrating is the fact that Infant Loss/SIDS Awareness Month just <i>happens</i> to fall during the same month as Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I'm not knocking the awareness and money that's raised for breast cancer. I have close friends and family members who have fought breast cancer. But it's difficult to see sooo much attention brought to that cause and so little brought to infant loss and SIDS. For instance, many buildings are being turned pink in honor of breast cancer, without mentioning the fact that pink is also one of <i>our</i> colors as well.Even the White House got in on the act. <br />
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Wouldn't it be great if we also had a national spokesperson? If SIDS got the research money that breast cancer did? If there were more nationally organized walks and fundraisers? If there were commercials and posters and NOT just the ones that seemed to point the blame at parents for deaths that were not even sure the cause of?<br />
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Wouldn't it be nice if infant loss wasn't such a taboo subject? If, like breast cancer, it could be talked about openly without making people feel squeamish and we could mention facts and figures?<br />
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Infant loss ribbons are blue and pink. Yet there has been talk of also using blue and pink to signify male breast cancer ribbons, too. <br />
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I mean no disrespect towards breast cancer survivors or those facing breast cancer at present time. In fact, I don't want awareness decreased for those or funding cut for those. I don't want anything taken AWAY from breast cancer victims at ALL. What I want is awareness raised for US.<br />
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Last year I contacted three local newspapers and asked them if they'd be interested in doing a story about infant loss awareness month or even October 15th, Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Not one single paper replied. Several stories, however, were ran about breast cancer.<br />
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I'm happy to keep supporting my friends who are moving forward with their fundraisers, especially Karla Roy with Empty Arms. This is her below on a local talk show, talking about her foundation. See how young and pretty she looks? Maybe one day infant loss won't be such a taboo subject. We'll also be able to paint the town blue and pink.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-40660523243688817932013-10-09T11:41:00.003-04:002013-10-09T11:41:55.277-04:00Promotional Event with Empty Arms For the next two months I am running a promotional event with my book, <i>Coping with Grief: the Anti-Guide to Infant Loss</i>.<br />
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As of now, there is NO CURE FOR SIDS</div>
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We can, however, support research </div>
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In honor of Infant Loss Awareness Month, for the months of October and
November for every copy of <i>Coping with Grief: the Anti-guide to Infant Loss</i>
that is sold I will be donating $5 to the Empty Arms Foundation. The Empty Arms
Foundation supports SIDS research and Dr. Hannah Kinney, one of the world’s leading
SIDS researchers, at Boston Children’s Hospital. It is a nonprofit
organization. </div>
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<br /></div>
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During those two months, I will not be earning any royalties
from the book. All of the money will be going straight to research. Although
there isn’t a cure yet, with research, we get a little closer every day. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Buying the book is easy. When you click on the link from my website
you can sign in with your Amazon account and be order the book using the
payment option you have stored on Amazon. You can also visit Amazon’s website
and order the book from there as well. </div>
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<br /></div>
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If you’d rather order by check then fill out the contact form on my site. You can also donate directly to the organization. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Every little bit helps. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Your purchase is tax deductible!</div>
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<br /></div>
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You can find more information the link to the book and to Empty Arms on my website at:</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.rebeccaphoward.com/news" target="_blank">www.rebeccaphoward.com/news </a></span></div>
Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01584804886565484963noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-27780526284448240032013-10-07T23:16:00.000-04:002013-10-07T23:16:01.868-04:00Facebook memesI really hate some of the Facebook memes that people create. Some are funny, of course. I re-post a lot of them myself. But some of the overly sentimental or religious or political ones really get my goat.<br />
<br />
I don't think I'm an overly sensitive person. At least not anymore. I belong to a couple of grief groups and sometimes people post things in there and I think, man, I'm glad I'm not in those early-early stages of grief anymore. Walking around with your heart outside of your body just feels awful. I feel for those folks because I remember what it's like.<br />
<br />
But then something will cross my path and it's like-WHAM.<br />
<br />
The other day one such meme went my way and it didn't hurt me, it pissed me off.<br />
<br />
It read:<br />
<br />
"Don't forget to pray to God today because he didn't forget to wake you up this morning."<br />
<br />
Well, excuse me, but...fuck that.<br />
<br />
So I guess my son died because some almighty being just accidentally "forgot" to wake him up? Like a little "whoopsie?" <br />
<br />
I wanted to say something to the person who posted it, but I didn't. Okay, actually I did. I just commented and said, "Wow."<br />
<br />
I joined an atheist support group last year, not because I am one but because I prefer talking about my grief in a non-religious context. (I do believe in a higher power, I just don't like talking about my grief in that kind of context with others.) Within that group, some of the members get angry when people in their newsfeed post memes that say things like:<br />
<br />
"God has been watching you and He knows you're struggling. Close your eyes and think of the one thing you want most. Think about this for ten seconds and then open your eyes. Share this picture and within 24 hours you'll have what your heart most desires."<br />
<br />
Yes, because within 24 hours we're going to have our dead children back.<br />
<br />
It's basically Facebook's version of the chain letter. Perfectly harmless, of course, but still. And, if there is a God, does he really care about what images we share or "like"? Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01584804886565484963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-46869288271840357782013-10-06T20:10:00.000-04:002013-10-06T20:10:44.144-04:00IrritationIt irritates me when another grieving mother uses her blog to write a passive aggressive blog post about me. The two times that I have actually written a blog post in response to another person's blog I have actually posted the blog's website. Although I might have been bitchy about it, at least I wasn't passive-aggressive. I hate that shit. And, hell, it even opened up the lines of communication. We talked about it. <br />
<br />
I guess there is a lesson to be learned here. Although we might share something in common (the loss of a child) I don't have to like you. That's kind of freeing in a way. I LIKE the fact that the fellow bereaved mothers I am friends with are my friends because I like THEM and not just just because we're part of the dead kids club anymore. That feels good. Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01584804886565484963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-53311201280218031892013-09-24T08:44:00.000-04:002013-09-24T08:44:14.704-04:00Introducing Iris I've felt strange about introducing Toby to Iris. I know that other parents have had mixed reactions about introducing their deceased children to their "rainbow" babies and I was never really sure how I was going to approach that with mine. I didn't want to put any pressure on her. Of course, she was never going to meet Toby or know him. The cemetery, to her, is always going to be a place that she visits but it's not going to hold any special meaning for her. She doesn't know anyone buried there. For now, it's just a place that she runs around and plays in.<br />
<br />
Sam has no memories of Toby. It's sad that he doesn't remember him, but he doesn't. We don't pressure him to remember him. I think it's almost better that he doesn't remember him. I mean, what if he remembers that last morning? Who the hell wants to remember that? Or the funeral? Or the hospital? I wish he could recall the fair or Nashville or our picnic or even just hanging out and watching cartoons but if he doesn't then he doesn't. It's sad but that's life. I remember and that has to be enough. He can look at pictures and point Toby out to us, but only in the same way he can look at a movie and point out characters from something he has seen a lot. Toby is no more than a character from a film to him.<br />
<br />
We no longer make Sam visit the cemetery with us. It's a long drive and it's boring. After being there for a few minutes he gets bored and antsy. There's nothing for him to do and he's ready to go as soon as he gets there. We've started leaving him with Mom.<br />
<br />
Iris, on the other hand, has a grand time. Of course, she wants to run around and take flowers off of other people's graves but since most of the other people buried around Toby are our relatives we figure it's okay. Last time we were there she kept taking small petals off of Uncle Linden's grave and putting them on my shoes. Wasps had made a nest on top of Toby's headstone, which was weird, and we tried to clean off around it while she played. We were there for about 45 minutes. When we got ready to leave we said, "Tell Toby bye," and she very plainly called, "Good-bye Toby," and waved.<br />
<br />
A few days later I was on the computer and pulled up some pictures of him. She crawled up in my lap and we went through them together. I showed her some pictures of Toby and Sam and she laughed each time she looked at them. "There's Sammy!" she cried each time she saw one of him. Whenever Toby came on screen she would get quiet and then say, "Baby."<br />
<br />
I don't know what I am going to tell her about Toby yet.<br />
<br />
She is definitely becoming more aware of him, though. I'm not sure that I want him becoming the dead brother that hangs around the house, his presence everywhere. But I don't want him completely <i>gone</i> either. I like having his room decorations in our office and his pictures on the wall. I like decorating his grave on his birthday and major holidays. But I am also getting to the point where it's becoming less and less important to include him in things, too. That makes me sad.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I was talking to our dog, Lucy. She was being a real brat and I said, "It's like I have three children!"<br />
<br />
That makes me sad, too. Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01584804886565484963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-20590951072990685372013-09-02T10:22:00.000-04:002013-09-02T10:22:40.000-04:00Amazon Review<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
And now it's time to toot my own horn.<br />
<br />
Okay, granted this is a fellow infant loss grandmother and I am happy to call her a friend, but I still wanted to share this because, well, it's nice and I like nice things. This is a review of my book, <b><i>Coping with Grief: the anti-guide to infant loss</i></b>.<br />
<br />
"<a class="a-link-normal a-text-normal a-color-base" href="http://www.amazon.com/review/R1H8XF2MCIRLBJ/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=1490947345&channel=detail-glance&nodeID=283155&store=books"><span class="a-size-base a-text-bold">All things covered!</span></a><span class="a-color-secondary">
<span class="a-size-normal">
<span class="a-color-secondary">
By
</span>
<a class="noTextDecoration" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A1VSAJZITCH057/ref=cm_cr_dp_pdp">Mimiforbrie</a>
</span>
on August 31, 2013</span><br />
<div class="a-row a-spacing-small" id="revData-dpReviewsMostHelpfulAUI-R1H8XF2MCIRLBJ">
<span class="a-size-mini a-color-state a-text-bold">
Amazon Verified Purchase
</span>
<div class="a-section">
Rebecca has covered every single part of what it is like to lose a
precious baby to SIDS. I lost my grandson at age 10-1/2 months to SIDS
on October 31, 2010. Hard to believe it's been almost 3 years since I
have seen his beautiful smile, watched him play or heard him crack up
laughing when I would smell his feet and tell him how bad they stink.
(they really did stink) :-) There is no greater loss than that of a
beautiful, healthy, happy baby, no emptiness that can compare, no grief
that could possibly hurt for so long than the loss of a precious little
one. Life will never be the same again. Rebecca touched on everything
that so many parents and grandparents feel, but are afraid to say or
talk about. The roller coaster of emotion and the changes that your
relationships with others can take is discussed in great detail. Hey
maybe I'm not crazy after all. I feel like this book should be handed
out to families by hospitals, first responders and should be made
available to support groups to give to bereaved parents and their family
members where the loss of a child is SIDS or suspected SIDS. There are
other publications out there on SIDS offering support, but this one is
unique!! This book would be beneficial not only to parents, but to
anyone who isn't sure how to help provide support to grieving
parents....or just don't know what to say or what not to say to them.
Thank you for writing this book!! I enjoyed reading it very much and I
know that others will also"</div>
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</div>
<div class="a-section">
You can find the review and the book on Amazon <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Grief-Anti-Guide-Infant-Loss/dp/1490947345/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378131542&sr=8-1&keywords=the+anti-guide+to+infant+loss" target="_blank">HERE</a>. </div>
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</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-53331715391615233722013-08-26T20:23:00.000-04:002013-08-26T20:23:22.963-04:00Delayed immunizations-or why we waited two years to get our shots <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last week we finally got our two year old her immunizations. Iris turned 2 back in July. She only got her immunizations last week, however. Well, she actually got a few in the hospital right after she was born. She didn't get the rest of them until last Monday, however. We did this for a few reasons. For one thing, she had a seizure after her first round of shots and that wasn't fun. We didn't want a repeat. For another thing, nearly every parent I am friends with who lost their child to SIDS lost their infant within 24 hours of their dTaps. Now, this did NOT apply to us since Toby died before he had the chance to get his immunizations. (He died at 7 weeks and would have had his the following week.) However, we decided that with Iris we did not feel comfortable, after doing our own research, that we felt comfortable getting so many immunizations at once.<br />
<br />
The dTap information actually lists SIDS as a possible side effect in the back of the literature. I am NOT anti-immunization. I am pro-immunization all the way. I just didn't want so many at once on an infant so young who had already been having seizures after losing a baby who'd already died from possible seizure activity. <br />
<br />
Iris was pretty pissed off about the shots. For what it's worth, I couldn't go in there with her. I sent my husband in there. I hid out at my mom's house the whole time. I'm a big chicken.<br />
<br />
When Sam had his brain MRI back in the spring and had to have an IV sedation I took him. It was hard. I teared up. It wasn't that bad, though, because I could explain to him what was going on. We could talk about it. What I couldn't handle, however, was seeing Iris all happy and excited and having a good day KNOWING what was lying in store for her. She likes going to the doctor. She has fun there. Knowing that something painful was coming up for her and not being able to warn her made me physically ill. It literally gave me a panic attack.<br />
<br />
One of the worst aspects of the day that Toby died was the fact that the day was so damn beautiful and perfect. If you've never been to our area then there's really no way to describe it. We really do kind of live in paradise here. Imagine bright blue skies, lush green valleys, beautiful mountains, rushing rivers, country roads...like stepping into a post card of the south. And then envision that in a horror movie.<br />
<br />
I took a picture of Toby after his lividity started setting in. This was after his little body started turning pale and splotchy and dark and blue and red. I wanted to remember what it looked like because I was afraid that if I didn't have a reminder of what it really looked like then the image I conjured in my mind would be ten times worse than what it actually was like. I shared that image with a friend recently during an intimate conversation. Her remark was, "Oh no, and such a cheery little outfit he was wearing, too. And that just makes it so much worse."<br />
<br />
That was part of it, too. The happiness of his bright blue summer outfit with the smiling dog on it set against the blood dripping from his nose and the paleness of his face and the horror of the tube in his mouth-that DID make it worse.<br />
<br />
It's these conflicting feelings that make it difficult for me to face things like taking Iris to get her immunizations. I can make the appointments. I can pay the bills when they come in the mail. I just can't go in. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-26200476926298119182013-08-25T16:32:00.000-04:002013-08-25T16:41:57.054-04:00Why Didn't You Write Me On Toby's Anniversary? In an alternate universe, I sat down last Wednesday night, drank half a quart of moonshine, smoked a joint, took my clothes off, propped my legs up on my desk, and at approximately 2:45 am, sat down at my computer and composed the following letter in various forms and nuances and sent it out to nearly everyone I knew and went to bed. <br />
<br />
Dear____,<br />
<br />
Three years ago my son died. Earlier today, I heard from my former boss (whom I only recently got back in touch with after years of having zero contact with) and she said that she hoped my day was filled with "lots of support". Well, to be honest, it wasn't. In fact, I continue to be surprised by the people that I DO hear from. <br />
<br />
So I am assuming that the reason I didn't hear from you was due to one of four reasons:<br />
<br />
a) a life threatening emergency kept you from the computer/ phone<br />
b) you were afraid that bringing him up might remind me that he's still dead<br />
c) you just didn't remember<br />
d) since I don't comment on any of your political crap you're certainly not going to lower yourself to comment on anything of mine<br />
<br />
<br />
So let's go over them...<br />
<br />
a. Considering that throughout the day you posted approximately 11 Grumpy Cat pictures, 3 music videos, and 3 anti-Obama rants I am assuming that nothing is wrong with your internet connection. At least one of them showed that you posted it from your mobile phone so I must also assume that your cell phone connection is working as well.<br />
<br />
b. Thank you for your thoughtful consideration but I can assure you that I am quite aware that he is still still dead.<br />
<br />
c. Yes, that is a distinct possibility. I didn't post a countdown this year. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I know that some people do. I don't. And, it is true, that I probably didn't remember your kid's birthday this year either. So there IS that. Now we're even. But at some point it was mentioned and I am sure you saw it. If not that day then at least the next. Or the next.<br />
<br />
d. And now we're REALLY even. Well done, <i>you</i>! <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-84396875066678910882013-08-22T07:48:00.002-04:002013-08-22T07:48:38.771-04:00Fuck It <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of Toby's death. Last year when I announced on Facebook that it was the anniversary of his death two people deleted me for having "too much drama" and "talking about him too much." So this year I didn't say anything about him at all. Two people sent me private messages and three people wrote on my wall after I mentioned offhandedly that we had tried to go to the cemetery but hadn't been able to because of the rainstorm and lightning. (The lightning actually killed two people in my county yesterday. Yes, it was <i>that</i> bad.) <br />
<br />
I don't care how bad this sounds...<br />
<br />
Fuck it.<br />
<br />
I am PISSED.<br />
<br />
I am pissed that other people who have dead kids get to have balloon releases and shit and that people actually show up to them.<br />
<br />
I am pissed that other people who have dead kids have benefits that hundreds of people show up and I had to cancel my own damn rainbow baby shower because nobody could come.<br />
<br />
I am pissed that other people with dead kids have hundreds of blog followers who light candles in honor of their dead kids and send in pictures of those candles in remembrance yet when I even mention my child's anniversary date I get people deleting my ass.<br />
<br />
I am pissed because I don't feel like my dead son is any less important than anyone else's but I sure as hell feel like his memory gets treated like it. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-57827448863966883332013-07-29T16:58:00.002-04:002013-07-29T16:58:34.180-04:00My life as a TV show?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last week my book HAUNTED ESTILL COUNTY caught the attention of a television producer who produces a popular show that airs on the SyFy channel. The producer was interested not only in the stories found in my book, but my own story. We had a pleasant, yet somewhat unnerving, conversation for about an hour over the telephone. I recounted the events that led up to Toby's death, the ones that took place in the house we lived in at the time. I talked about the scorpions and the Native American singing and balls of lights and noises...about the dogs dying. About the troubles with Iris and Toby's pregnancies, Mom's stroke, my health problems, and our general bad luck. Then about the fact that others sensed an evil presence in the house and some of the details that came from that.<br />
<br />
It was...interesting.<br />
<br />
She is interested in filming for an episode of the show. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Interviewing me, Pete, Mom...The idea is unnerving for Pete.<br />
<br />
And then, of course, they would hire actors to portray us. What this would mean is that Toby's death would basically be reenacted on the screen for the world to see.<br />
<br />
I've watched a few episodes of the show. It's a good one. I like it. But how would I feel about my life basically being on screen for entertainment purposes?<br />
<br />
I rarely talk about Toby's death and the incidents around it in the supernatural context. It makes me feel weird. When I do it, I do it privately to a select number of people in my life whom I feel comfortable with. I'm afraid that people will think I'm crazy.<br />
<br />
I guess we'll see how it goes. We're not locked in to anything.<br />
<br />
Over the past two weeks I've felt so out of sorts. This time between Toby's birthday and his death is a hard period for me. I'm incredibly sensitive. I'm being bullied on Amazon by someone and any other time of the year I think I could brush it off and even laugh. But on this third anniversary of Toby's death I think I am taking things harder than I have on the previous two years. Sometimes I feel like I am on a slippery slide, ready to fall off or crack at any minute.<br />
<br />
I have gotten some very good feedback on the infant loss book. I'm glad I finally got his story told in the way I wanted to tell it. I'm glad that others have connected with me and been supportive. That keeps me plugging. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-38290337378299714962013-07-28T15:14:00.002-04:002013-07-28T15:14:52.193-04:00Catfishing, infant loss style I have only recently learned of the term "catfishing", thanks to the popular reality show. I've been familiar with the term "lying" for a long time, though. Catfishing involves making up a persona in an attempt to fool others into believing you're something you're not. Online that can mean a different gender, a different income bracket, or (in extreme cases) someone with a debilitating illness. In the past, it's been discovered that some bloggers who claimed to have cancer and fertility problems were not really who they said they were. Unfortunately, this has caused a great many people stress, especially since they became emotionally, and sometimes financially, involved in the person's trials.<br />
<br />
I had my first experience, that I am aware of, with this when I joined a site dedicated to helping people with medical issues. In my pregnancy group, a young woman came on and talked about hew newborn. She then began complaining of pain, about three weeks after giving birth. We were all concerned.<br />
<br />
Later in the day she got back online and claimed to have given birth a second time, this time in her bathtub. (This was three weeks after giving birth the first time.) Some people were suspicious. Others were not. She continued to get sympathy and well wishes.<br />
<br />
A little search, however, showed that while she was supposedly giving birth she was also in other groups making random updates about something else. In addition, in other groups she claimed to not have any children at all. Someone finally called her out on this. She admitted to making the whole thing up.<br />
<br />
What was difficult was that there were many people in the pregnancy group who had suffered pregnancy losses. I'm sure her made-up story triggered something in them that was painful. I know that listening to her talk about being in the bathtub and bleeding was hard for me to hear. To find that she made it up was deflating. And yet, not altogether shocking.<br />
<br />
You can be anyone you want to be online.<br />
<br />
It has now happened again.<br />
<br />
In another infant loss group I belong to, a member has started posting some questionable updates. Less than a month ago they talked about how much they missed their infant who had passed away. They also claimed that they would never be able to have another biological child.<br />
<br />
A few days ago, however, they claimed to be 29 weeks pregnant and in the hospital for problems. They continued to make updates throughout the day. They were in labor. They didn't know if the baby would make it. Their water broke. They were getting steroids. The baby was born. The baby wasn't doing well. There were complications. Then their "brother" got online to update for them (under their name). Mother was okay but the baby was sick.<br />
<br />
She couldn't take any pictures and post them because her phone wouldn't allow it. She said she had kept the pregnancy quiet from family and friends. She also claimed to have nobody in her life but her brother.<br />
<br />
A few days later, the baby died.<br />
<br />
Of course, she got tons of support from the group. People were saddened and shocked. She got online and talked about how horrible she felt, how she wanted to die. Someone offered her a suicide prevention phone number and website. She asked for advice on planning a funeral. People offered stories of their own babies' funerals.<br />
<br />
I was suspicious. Something just wasn't setting right.<br />
<br />
A quick Google search showed me the person's real name. They are transgender and have been going through hormone therapy to become male for several months. They have a blog about their adventure and have posted You Tube videos about it. They're also engaged to a woman. I found their wedding registry and wedding page. (Despite the fact that they claimed to not have anyone in their life for support, other than their brother.)<br />
<br />
No doctor is going to offer hormone therapy to a woman who is that far along in their pregnancy. She/he is obviously lying about something. My guess is that it's the pregnancy and infant loss, especially given the fact that less than a month ago they were claiming that they wouldn't have any children and, despite the fact that they've made multiple posts, only alluded to being pregnant in the past week.<br />
<br />
This bothered me on many levels.<br />
<br />
For one thing, they claimed to have had a placental abruption. As everyone knows, I had two myself: a partial and a complete. That's nothing to joke around about.<br />
<br />
Then there's the fact that they continued to seek support from other infant loss mothers, bringing up painful memories of funerals and burial arrangements-when I am almost certain that their own loss is made up.<br />
<br />
I could be wrong, of course.<br />
<br />
The woman COULD be going through hormone therapy and on her way to becoming a man while she is also in her third trimester. She COULD have kept the pregnancy a secret and just decided to reveal it at the very end. And maybe she feels like she doesn't have anyone else in her life except for her brother. (Who knows what happened to the financee.)<br />
<br />
I could be wrong about her.<br />
<br />
But I don't think I am.<br />
<br />
Since losing my own child my tolerance for bullshit is at an all time low. My bullshit radar, however, is at an all time high. Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01584804886565484963noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-39176360726077446702013-07-25T02:57:00.002-04:002013-07-25T02:57:29.463-04:00Like me, please! <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
My husband and I spent time with some new(ish) friends the other day. When we got back home I said, "Gosh, this is the first time in years that we've actually seen people on a regular basis."<br />
<br />
"Yeah," he answered. "It's bad, isn't it? I keep thinking that I am going to say something to screw it up."<br />
<br />
He is right, of course. It is stressful having new friends.<br />
<br />
I think of losing Toby in the terms of the before/after of my life. I am definitely not the person I used to be. I am actually okay with that. In some ways I think I am better. In other ways I am worse. My tolerance for bullshit is a lot lower these days and I believe I am able to cut people out and off more swiftly than I did in the past. On the other hand, I am also more sensitive and nervous.<br />
<br />
I realize that by blogging and sharing my feelings after his death that I have run a lot of folks off. But some people up and left for reasons that didn't have anything to do with my blog. We were too depressing or too angry or to sad or just flat-out too much work. Being our friend was exhausting. People got tired of having to walk on eggshells around us, of not knowing what to say, of always having to listen to me talk about my dead son.<br />
<br />
Then there is the fact that I have a tendency to tell completely inappropriate stories that are best left to be shared in moments when all present parties have knocked back a few shots of something strong.<br />
<br />
When we meet people these days we try our best to be on our best behavior. It's like we're auditioning. We're so afraid of doing something wrong, making a misstep. That's exhausting in and of itself.<br />
<br />
I can talk about Toby's death. I can talk about SIDS. But I rarely talk about my feelings toward him and my loss. I save that for my other infant loss friends.<br />
<br />
To be clear, I don't actually miss anyone who is no longer in our lives. But finally, after almost three years, we're starting to feel social again. We'd like to not screw that up. Being in social settings is just so much work these days. Trying to appear likable and fun and witty when everyone in the room knows that your child is dead-that's not easy. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-1993569054820325092013-07-22T03:23:00.001-04:002013-07-22T03:23:25.062-04:00You Can't Be Selfish in GriefI wrote a similar entry to this awhile back but this has been updated. This also appears in my book, <i>Coping with Grief: the anti-guide to infant loss</i>. Check the link on the right for information about the book's free giveaway. <br />
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
One thing I learned around the 6th month was that you just
can’t be selfish in grief. You would think that it's the one time that you're
really entitled to feel what you want to, act the way you feel like acting, and
pretty much find your own way but no...you can't.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first thing you learn is that you have to be extremely
open-minded when it comes to religion. Regardless as to what your own religious
beliefs are, you are bound to learn everyone else's take on your tragedy and
how it relates in a religious way. You listen to people tell you why the person
died, what they are doing now, and why you should be happy that they are
"at peace", "no longer suffering", etc. You must smile and
nod at these things, even if you don't believe them or agree with them, because
to insert your own beliefs at this point would be considered rude and
ungrateful for the comfort that the person is trying to provide.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You have to accept the fact that everyone is going to
interpret your actions differently. If you cry too much then you're going to
get accused of depression, in need of psychiatric help, and possibly put on suicide
watch. If you don't cry at all, or at least don't do it in public, then you'll
get accused of not caring enough. There doesn't seem to be a happy medium.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is actually an acceptable time limit regarding how
long you are allowed to wallow and complain about your loss. It seems to be
around two weeks. After that, everyone else is ready to move on and doesn't
want to hear about it anymore. You learn not to talk about your sadness with
the majority of people because later it comes back to haunt you when people
proclaim that you have "too much drama."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, it's a little hurtful when you and your
"drama" are placed in the same category as those who complain about
their frequent breakups, money troubles, and friend bickering. But soon you
figure out that complaining is complaining to some people and they just don't
want to hear it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On the same note, you have to be happy around a lot of
people when you do go out or else you're afraid that you won't get asked out
again because you're "too depressing." And when in some situations
you do forget yourself and actually talk honestly about how you've been and how
sad you are and you DON'T get asked to do anything again you'll spend the next
month kicking yourself for opening your mouth. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You're not allowed to have temporary amnesia. I have heard
other people say that you don't start feeling real pain until months down the
line because in the first few weeks or so you're in shock. I believe this. With
that in mind, I remember the day that Toby died down to the last detail,
regardless of how "out of it" some people describe me as being that
day. However, the next few days are a complete blur. I remember things
happening but I couldn't tell you who did them. I have no idea how I got dressed,
ate, or when or how I slept. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can't get angry or emotional. Other people can lash out
at you but if you try to defend yourself or counter-argue then you're ganged up
on. Just because you've just had a tragedy doesn't mean you get any leeway. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You have to reach out to most people yourself. While in the
beginning people will make an effort to come around, be supportive, and check
on you after a few weeks (or days in some cases) you have to make the phone
calls and write the e-mails. Which might be okay if you could even remember
what day it was.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can't talk about your loss to just anyone. There are
friends and family who just don't want to hear about it. You learn who not to
bring it up in front of and who it's okay to. You end up censoring yourself a
lot.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And strangely enough, you find that you end up making other
people try to feel better about the situation. When friends, family, and even
total strangers talk to you about your situation and start crying or getting
upset you turn into the comforter. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This should have been the one time that I was entitled to be
off my rocker a little bit. If this isn't the time to go a little crazy and get
depressed, then when is?</div>
Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01584804886565484963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-19127290949065833902013-07-19T13:18:00.002-04:002013-07-19T13:18:33.474-04:00Free book giveaway <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
For the next 50 days I am hosting a free giveaway on Goodreads.com for my book <i>Coping with Grief: The Anti-Guide to Infant Loss</i>. I am giving away 5 copies of the book and all you have to do is sign up for the giveaway. No strings attached. I won't use your email for spamming for to inundate you with offers about other books or anything. I'm placing the widget on the side. You can also follow the link below.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18209201-coping-with-grief" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">ENTER TO WIN</span></a></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-78116191680144941762013-07-18T08:07:00.000-04:002013-07-18T08:13:13.505-04:00Grief Spasms <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was sitting at home, reading a romance/mystery book
(okay, it was Nora Roberts) and in the middle of a passage about a hostage
negotiator I was suddenly hit with a wave of sadness that almost brought me to
tears: I missed Toby. The pain was sharp and raw and fresh and seemed to come
from out of nowhere. How, after nearly three years, can I still feel such
intense pain that it takes my breath away?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hospice
calls this a “grief spasm.” A grief spasm is an “intense, sudden spurt of emotion
that can last just a few minutes or maybe a day, and are very common during the
grieving process.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I think
the keyword there is “process.” Grieving <i>is</i> a process. And, from my unofficial
research and experience, it’s not something that ever completely goes away.
Grieving isn’t something you go through for a little while with hopes that one
day it will work itself out. Grieving isn’t something that you move on from.
Grieving, unlike depression which can be improved upon with time and counsel
and even medication, is a lifelong commitment. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It
makes sense that the stages of grief are not so much a linear line or a circle
as they are a five point star. You don’t work your way through the stages in
hopes of reaching a cheery outcome at the end. You don’t work through the
stages of grief, reach the last one (acceptance) and say, “Well, that’s over, I
feel much better now!” Oh no. The stages never really go away for good. You can
bounce from one to the other, going from depression to anger and then back to
denial for a little while. You can reach acceptance and stay there for a long
time and head right on back over to anger. The stages might not last long and
may be fleeting, but you never really get out of the web. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>With
that in mind, grief spasms make a lot of sense. If we’re always in the grieving
process and it never really ends then the spasms are understandable. They are
simply reminders that we’re still hurting, we’re still in pain no matter how
well-adjusted we are and how far we’ve come. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I haven’t
felt the push of pain or depression or sharp edges of grief in a long time. The
stupid and insensitive things that people say rarely bother me anymore. I’m
able to talk about SIDS and my son’s death in a clinical way, detached. I can
look at the INSIDIOUS 2 movie poster (an image of a baby in a walker with the
words “It will take what you love most”) and find it incredibly distasteful and
disturbing but it doesn’t make me go into a panic or tear me up like it might
have at one time. I’m not an overprotective parent and I no longer check
throughout the night to make sure my children are still breathing. In many
ways, I have come a long way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But,
the pain is still there. There is still a rawness to it that I can’t ignore and
sometimes it does take my breath away and hit me like a ton of bricks. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Grief
spasms. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<br /></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-86038076003486060842013-07-17T14:54:00.001-04:002013-07-18T08:14:01.269-04:00Coping with Grief: The Anti-Guide to Infant Loss book trailer<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<br />
Please be gentle...this was my first time.<br />
<br />
Here is the book trailer for Coping with Grief: The Anti-Guide to Infant Loss. Music is public domain. Starting tomorrow I will also be hosting a month long giveaway on Goodreads. I have 5 copies to give away for free. I'll post the widget tomorrow when the contest starts. You simply have to enter it, no strings attached. <br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/ar82Tw7JwpE" width="459"></iframe></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-63768697822197039512013-07-14T16:33:00.002-04:002013-07-14T16:33:41.746-04:00Anti-Guide to Infant Loss is released!As of yesterday, Saturday the 13th, my book entitled <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Grief-Anti-Guide-Infant-Loss/dp/1490947345/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1373833955&sr=1-2" target="_blank">Coping with Grief: The Anti-Guide to Infant Loss</a> is now available for purchase. You can find the link below.<br />
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I am excited about this book for several reasons. For one thing, I really tried to make it as comprehensive as possible. From getting the news to dealing with a subsequent pregnancy and making burial plans I tried to include a little bit of everything. I included my own personal experiences but I also interviewed a lot of my infant loss friends and got their stories as well. You'll find about a dozen firsthand experiences from mothers who lost infants from SIDS, accidents, and illnesses. Some of their experiences were vastly different than mine but there was always something relatable about their stories. <br />
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Before it was published I sent a few friends copies of the book and had them read it to get their honest opinions about it. That made me nervous as hell. It was also really emotional. For some of us it was hard to remember how we felt in those early months, or even the first year, so we had to consult our diaries, journals, and blogs. That triggered a lot of our old feelings and there was a period of time that was really hard on all of us, I think. I know that as I was writing this I sometimes found myself feeling sad and depressed in a way that I haven't felt in a year or more. I felt like I wasn't just reliving my own child's death, but my friends' deaths as well.<br />
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This is the table of contents. If you click on the book cover below you'll also be taken to the Amazon site.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="MsoHyperlink"><span>Introduction<span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"><span>.. </span></span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;">1</span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"></span></span></span><span></span></span></span></div>
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</span></span><div class="MsoToc1">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="MsoHyperlink"><span>What You Might Expect After
Losing Your Infant<span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"><span>. </span></span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;">11</span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"></span></span></span><span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="MsoHyperlink"><span>Getting the News<span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"><span>. </span></span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;">14</span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"></span></span></span><span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="MsoHyperlink"><span>Telling Everyone<span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"><span>. </span></span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;">25</span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"></span></span></span><span></span></span></span></div>
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</span></span><div class="MsoToc1">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="MsoHyperlink"><span>Dealing with Authorities<span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"><span>. </span></span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;">38</span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"></span></span></span><span></span></span></span></div>
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</span></span><div class="MsoToc1">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="MsoHyperlink"><span>Religion<span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"><span>.. </span></span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;">45</span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"></span></span></span><span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="MsoHyperlink"><span>The Funeral and Burial<span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"><span> </span></span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;">58</span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"></span></span></span><span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="MsoHyperlink"><span>The New and Totally Unofficial
Stages of Grief<span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"><span>. </span></span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;">147</span><span style="color: windowtext; display: none; text-decoration: none;"></span></span></span><span></span></span></span></div>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01584804886565484963noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-57125687823128349982013-07-09T22:13:00.001-04:002013-07-09T22:13:43.145-04:00Toby's Third Birthday Last Friday would have been Toby's third birthday. A special thanks to some of my fellow SIDS mothers on Facebook who remembered and sent me messages. (And to a couple of non-SIDS parents who remembered, too.) A friend set of fireworks and did them in his honor. We weren't there, but she posted pictures and a little video of it.<br />
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Unfortunately, thanks to all the rain we've been having here, we didn't get to make it to the cemetery. It will probably be another week before we can get there because Iris' second birthday is this weekend. it has rained so hard here that we got several inches and there were flash floods everywhere. Kind of a disaster.<br />
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We didn't do anything to celebrate his birthday. No cake this year, no balloons. No special flowers. I felt really sad though. This might have been the hardest one yet. I think because I have been editing the infant loss book and that's been on my mind every day I have been back in those early memories again and that's made things difficult. I feel a lot better now, though.<br />
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On Friday night Pete and I went out for a walk and ended up in a downpour. Luckily, it happened right in front of our friends' house so we popped inside and stayed there until almost 2:00 am. We had a really great time with them. We played music and talked and laughed until I literally cried. It was really the perfect way to end a kind of crappy day.<br />
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The night before I took Sam to the fair. It was old fashioned day at the fair and we ran into our neighbors there. The kids had a ball doing the cakewalk (Sam won) and riding the rides. And, I tell you, watching 20 something 6 year olds chase a greased pig is about one of the funniest things that you will ever see. That was a good night, too.<br />
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On the day after Toby's birthday we had a brilliant sunset as the rain finally came to an end. The light on our road is gorgeous at the end of the day. (To be fair, the depressing weather wasn't helping my mood.) Also, I wanted to add this picture that was taken of us back in June on our vacation to Michigan. We didn't know it at the time, but we stood in front of a lighthouse where someone had written the words "life goes on." You can see that over our heads.<br />
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<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01584804886565484963noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-60919251331024837312013-06-27T16:50:00.000-04:002013-06-27T16:50:22.216-04:00Empty Arms Foundation <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I am excited to announce that when my book is released sometime in the next week or two I will be pairing with my friend Karla Roy and her Empty Arms Foundation.<br />
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Karla lost her son to SIDS and the Empty Arms Foundation support SIDS research. I met Karla online and was instantly impressed with her commitment to finding out WHY SIDS occurs and her support of learning more about the cause. <br />
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I have to say, except for supporting a local woman and her organization in the past (her SIDS organization does a lot of great things for the community) I have stayed away from supporting most organizations, mostly because I have had problems with their campaigns. It's a personal thing but one of the reasons why I removed the "how to reduce the risk of SIDS" page from my blog. <br />
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Empty Arms, however, places a HUGE emphasis on research and offers a lot of support to the Boston Children's Hospital where Dr. Hannah Kinney is working wonders to ensure that this will not happen to future children. <br />
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On the Empty Arm's page you will soon be able to find a link that will allow you to purchase my book. Some of the proceeds from the sale will go towards the foundation and funding of more research.<br />
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To learn more, visit:<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.emptyarms.ca/" target="_blank">Empty Arms Foundation </a></span><br />
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From the website:<br />
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<h2 class="reg" id="goals">
Goals</h2>
<div class="reg">
Empty Arms Foundation strives to achieve the following goals:
<ul class="butterflyBlue">
<li>Raise funds to assist in the research conducted by Dr. Hannah Kinney at Children's Hospital Boston</li>
<li>Provide education about SIDS and separate fact from fiction</li>
<li>Raise awareness of SIDS in the community</li>
<li>Provide support to parents and family members grieving after the loss of a child</li>
<li>Host regular charity events</li>
</ul>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-298684401298831322013-06-23T04:36:00.003-04:002013-06-23T04:36:47.241-04:00Hurting Ourselves<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This is a chapter in my book. This version hasn't been edited yet but I wanted to turn it into a blog entry because I think it's important and I haven't talked about it in awhile. I don't feel this way anymore, but I did a lot in that first year. </span></span><br />
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<br />
<h1>
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="_Toc359716707"><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype","serif";">Hurting
Ourselves</span></a><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype","serif";"></span></h1>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Suicide
is not a pleasant topic, but it’s one that comes up a lot. Right away, after
Toby died, people seemed to watch me a little more closely than usual. I didn’t
feel suicidal. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to live, but I didn’t want
to die either. </span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">But then, one day, I thought about
killing myself. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Toc359633132;"><span style="mso-bookmark: _Toc359633402;"><span style="mso-bookmark: _Toc359716708;"><span class="Heading2Char"><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">My Experience</span></span></span></span></span><span style="mso-bookmark: _Toc359716708;"></span><span style="mso-bookmark: _Toc359633402;"></span><span style="mso-bookmark: _Toc359633132;"></span><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It was not a well thought out plan. It wasn't a plan at all. But I did think
about it. I thought about it a lot. I had friends I could call but they were
busy and working and I felt like a burden. And one friend that I did talk to on
a regular basis generally made me feel worse because she would try to play
therapist to me and then proceed to tell me about all of her experiences and
everything that had happened to her and while she was rambling, I would be
sitting there continuing with my thoughts. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">The suicidal thoughts started the week I was
accused of killing my baby. I was also accused of killing Pete's mom and
causing the death of his father (who incidentally is still alive so apparently
I'm not that good yet). In addition, I was called "disturbed" a
"piece of work" and other things that I hate to think about now. This
all came from my husband’s family and (now former) friends.<span> </span>In addition, I was accused of running Pete's
friends off, of keeping him from going to England for his mother’s funeral, of
stifling his future, and we were sent a bill for thousands of dollars for the
money that has been "invested" in Pete over the years by his family.
One message I received said that I wasn't a "real mother" because a
"real mother" would have let Pete leave. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">I know all of this is hard to understand now, but
the fact was that Pete’s mother died two weeks after Toby died. We made plans
for the three of us to fly over for the funeral. I was getting a hotel room for
us and had contacted some of our friends in England to come and visit so that
Pete could spend time with his family. Drama ensued when his father informed us
that he didn’t want Sam and I to come and that our presence was not welcomed.
Since Pete had just lost his youngest son and was depressed, he couldn’t stand
the thought of leaving us behind. We needed to be together. He chose not to
leave us if he couldn’t bring us. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Pete received a range of messages from friends and
family, telling him that he should have gone home. I booked the ticket for him.
I booked the car rental for him. I even kissed him good bye. He was the one
that ultimately made the decision not to get in the car. And he had his
reasons. Whatever happened is between him and his mother and although I didn't
know her well, I feel sure that as a mother (like I am) she would understand.
Pete's friends and family members might not have agreed with his decision, but
they sure as hell should have supported him. And they shouldn’t have added to
our grief like they did.<span> </span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">I was told that at least I had Pete,
Mom, and Sam to return to at the end of the day but that all Pete's dad has to
return to was an empty house. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">I didn’t feel that way. I had a room
full of baby clothes that will never be worn. I had bottles that would never be
used again. I had a can of formula, half full, that would never be used up the
rest of the way. I had an opened bag of diapers that rested on a changing table
that wouldn’t see a baby. I had a nursery decorated in sailboats that would
never hear laughter or the cries of a little one. I had a backpack, meant for
our outings, that would never have little feet dangling from it. I had signs
all over our house that a baby WAS there, but there was no baby. I had a son
that saw me crying and hugged me and asked, "Do you miss your baby"
and then asked my mother if Mommy was going away, too. That's what I had every day.
</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Somedays, it was too much to take a
shower or a bath. Somedays, it was all I could do to get out of bed. I had
panic attacks that resulted in Pete having to throw blankets and bathrobes over
me because I couldn’t get enough weight on me. I hid in the closet and shut the
door because the room was too bright. I couldn’t sleep at night because the last
time I slept all the way through the night my son died while I slept. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Coupled with the anger and negativity
from friends and family, I couldn’t take it anymore. I started believing the
hype that was coming at me. I started believing that I was a bad person, that I
DID somehow cause the death of my son, that I was disturbed, that I was a piece
of work, and that I DID stop Pete from going to the funeral of his mother. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">I never planned my death, but I sure
thought about it a lot. I wished for it. And then I took to cutting myself. The
cuts gave me something physical to do and look at. The worst I felt, the more I
cut. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Finally, one day, it just stopped.
There was no magic cure. (Well, there kind of was. We cut out almost everyone
in our lives.) One day I just woke up and felt better. I don’t know how I
survived. I think it was luck.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<h2>
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="_Toc359716709"><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype","serif";">When
You’re Feeling Like You Want to Die</span></a><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype","serif";"></span></h2>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">If
you have anxiety medication or pain pills, give them to your partner and
ask them to dispense them to you. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Have
a friend on alert. Make sure it’s someone you can call at all hours of the
night. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Don’t
mix alcohol with medication as this might cause an adverse reaction. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Bathe
with the door open. Ask a friend or spouse to sit in the bathroom with
you. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Journal.
Blog. Write in something. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Get
out of the house. Go for a walk, a movie, a drive…just remove yourself
from the location you’re in. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Talk
to your doc. Sometimes the medication they prescribe for anxiety and
depression can have the opposite effect on some people. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">If
you have kids, ask someone you trust to take them for a few days. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Pamper
yourself. Watch an old movie, stay in bed, eat junk. Do nothing. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Sleep.
Sometimes things look better in the morning. Sometimes they don’t. But
sleep often has a way of reprogramming us. </span></span></span></li>
</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">If these thoughts
continue, please seek help. It doesn’t have to be scary, I swear. I also have
fears of the psych ward and mental hospitals, thank you horror movies, but it’s
really just about having someone to talk to you in your own doctor’s office. </span></span></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-12545515115743842602013-06-21T04:04:00.003-04:002013-06-21T04:04:31.246-04:00How Far I've Come<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've been doing the final touches to my book <i>Coping with a Child's Death: The Anti Guide to Infant Loss</i> and let me tell you, it's been an emotional ride. Not only have I had to relive a lot of the things that happened to me in my journey but I've had to relive a lot of other people's journeys, too, since I've been interviewing my infant loss friends. It's been hard on me, it's been hard on them...but I think the book will be a good thing in the end. In going back and reading some of my old blog entries, which I often had to do since much of that first year is a blur to me, I am amazed<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
at where I am now compared to where I was then.<br />
<br />
I thought I would take a few minutes and do a blog entry on the bumps in the road and what I think I've kind of learned along the way...<br />
<br />
<u><b>The people who weren't there</b></u><br />
<br />
I don't know what happened to a lot of people in my life. Like, literally. I don't understand what happened to them. I know that people say that their friends and family members kind of drop off the face of the earth after awhile but I suspect that some of mine actually did. You know, Toby died almost 3 years ago and I have yet to hear from or see my sister? There was no falling out, no words of anger, just....nothing. I can't even be completely sure that she knows he's dead.<br />
<br />
This made me angry for awhile. Not like, raging angry or anything, but I worked up a pretty good mad over it. Now I don't care. Realistically, we weren't close to begin with. It's a relationship that I am curious about but not one that either one of us has ever cultivated. If I saw her then I would be cheerful and polite. I no longer have any kind of anger towards her...just curiosity.<br />
<br />
My BFF, though, who I also have only heard from once in three years and who didn't make the funeral or visitation...I can't say that there isn't still some anger there. Not any that I would project if I ran into her, but enough to keep me from sending her any holiday greeting cards.<br />
<br />
<b><u>The people who were there for awhile</u></b><br />
<br />
This is something I still struggle with but after much soul searching and analyzing, I am coming to terms with them and my feelings toward them. <br />
<br />
For awhile, these folks who showed up, were supportive for a week or month, and then left me hanging were honestly the fuel for my emotional rollercoaster at times. I just didn't understand it. How could they abandon me? Did they not <i>care</i>? Did they not care about me? Did they not care about Toby? They were my friends, right? How could they have just left me like that? I didn't understand it and, to some extent, I still don't. But I am trying.<br />
<br />
My loss was not theirs. As wonderful as I think Toby was and as much as I love him and miss him, he was not their son. They did not have that bond with him. They could only have that bond with their own child. I couldn't realistically expect them to remain in the depths of my despair with me. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. They had lives and families of their own.<br />
<br />
That's not to say that some people weren't just flat out shitty friends. Because some were. But others tried their best. Their best, unfortunately, wasn't always good enough. That's just the truth.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong, some people were flat out assholes. The ones who judged us and made things worse-well, those people are different. I still have enough anger in me that I'd like to throttle the lot of them. But others...not so much.<br />
<br />
<u><b>The drama </b></u><br />
<br />
Thanks so social media we can now share our feelings 24/7. Things that we used to only tell our BFFs and write in the privacy of our diaries are now plastered all over the internet. I did that with my blog. I wrote about all my feelings and if you did anything to piss me off then I wrote about you, too. And I might continue to do that. That was a double edged sword.<br />
<br />
It really pissed some people off. Some just thought it was too much drama. They deleted me and blocked me, even though I didn't say anything about them at all. Lots judged me for being too sensitive or overreacting (which, granted, I did on occasion) and I got chastised for using names or distinguishing characteristics of the ones who upset me. <br />
<br />
On the other hand, I gained a lot of infant loss friends who were experiencing similar things and, by reading my blog, felt like they had someone to talk to. There are parts of grief that you don't normally get the chance to talk about and the conversations I got in with other parents about these things helped me. It might have saved me.<br />
<br />
So I regret airing my dirty laundry and stirring up the drama? Yes and no.<br />
<br />
I don't regret talking about getting my feelings hurt and sharing some of the shitty things that people did. Yes, it cost me those friendships but those friendships were dead anyway (hence the blog entries which were really just the final straws). I guess what I DO regret is offending the other people who read them and thought I was a terrible person for being so negative and took themselves out of my life. I don't want people to think that all I do is over-analyze and see the bad sides of folks, because I don't. So if I lost some good friends because they thought I was "too much drama" for talking about things, then I'm sorry about that. The fact is, though, expressing that anger and those frustrations is literally what kept me alive at times. I got to a point where, if something bad happened, I could blog or I could cut myself. I chose to blog. Neither option was a pretty one.<br />
<br />
<u><b>The explaining</b></u><br />
<br />
Here is a regret: I wish I hadn't spent so much energy explaining to people that I had the right to be grieving. I know, it sounds odd, but I must have spent at least a week's worth of conversations showing people articles and snippets and directing them to videos and such to get them to understand that what I was feeling was normal and that I had a right to be feeling those things. I wish I hadn't done that. Those who 'got it" got it. Those who didn't would never get it.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Letting go </b></u><br />
<br />
I did come to a point in several relationships that were really unhealthy. In the past, it would have been easy for me to break these relationships off and move on. Because I felt so isolated and lonely and miserable, though, it was easy to hold onto these. Pete's friend tried to convince us that I was a terrible person who brought shame and damnation on the family and I honestly believed that for a long time. As a result, I didn't end the relationships that were harmful to me because I pitifully believed that at least <i>those</i> people were still around and I hadn't run them off yet. <br />
<br />
That has changed. I have cut people off who brought negativity into my life and it feels so much better. Honestly, I would rather it just be down to me and my family than to have anyone in my life who doesn't somehow add something good to it.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Humor</b></u><br />
<br />
I never in a million years would have thought that I could write about losing my son with humor. But I noticed when, in writing my book, that humor did come up from time to time. I felt kind of weird about that until I started getting some of my interviews back from fellow infant loss parents and saw humor in their experiences as well. <br />
<br />
I think if you get to a point where you can actually laugh about some things then you have to have turned a corner somewhere along the way. I think, and hope, I have. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-771844238405598782013-06-11T15:27:00.000-04:002013-06-11T15:27:52.708-04:00Organizations,Scams, Rip Offs,and the Good Guys <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm on vacation so it's weird that I am doing two blog entries in two days...Anyhoo!<br />
<br />
On one of the blogs that I follow (Life after the death of a toddler) the bereaved mother wrote a blog entry about ordering something from a fellow bereaved mother's company.That was 8 months ago and she still hasn't received it. When she has politely inquired about it, the company's owner has ignored her,blocked and banned her from the Facebook page, and gotten other members of the page riled up about it as she seeks sympathy from the awful woman who just wants to know where her item is. (Read the entry here: http://mamajamajenny.blogspot.com/2013/06/i-am-mother-of-angel-stay-away-from.html )<br />
<br />
<br />
I wasn't familiar with the page so I checked it out. I got a lot of red flags thrown up my way. We have a mutual friend and I consider that person a good judge of character and I, myself,have never had any dealings with that particular website. However, this is not the first time that I have run into someone who has had a negative experience with certain infant loss organizations and companies that have misrepresented themselves.<br />
<br />
There are actually a few bad ones out there. I have had experience with some women who had early miscarriages (first trimester) who have then started companies as a means to profit off of other bereaved parents, using their own losses as a way to market their material. They have sold everything from tupperware to infant loss blankets in this manner.<br />
<br />
I have also met what I can only describe as "professional bereaved parents" who use their loss in so many different ways that I couldn't begin to list them here.<br />
<br />
Yes, I have a book coming out. As an ebook it will be free to those who helped me with it. To others, it will be 99 cents. I can assure you that after you consider my cost for marketing and everything else I will not be making a profit. If I managed to sell 500 copies I would only be in the hole -$50. This is by no means a money making venture.<br />
<br />
Thanks to Facebook and other social media sites anyone can list themselves as an organization or business. There is nothing to police this or enforce policies that you would have to adhere to in the brick and mortar world.<br />
<br />
If you join something that calls themselves an organization,non-profit organization, or business then you have the right to determine whether or not they are legitimate.<br />
<br />
- Check to see if they are licensed as a business in their state or town<br />
- Guidestar.org will show you their financial records if they are a legitimate non-profit<br />
- Check the IRS to see if they have filed as a tax exemptorganization<br />
- Ask the non-profit to provide you with a copy of their 990 returns<br />
- If the organization is claiming to be non-profit then they must be filed either under a <span class="article-body">501(c)(3) or a 501(c)(6) organization. There will be records of these. </span> <br />
<br />
<br />
If you are donating money to someone,please ensure that they have some credibility. Whether someone is a bereaved mother making keychains or a group with a board of directors, there are certain procedures that must be followed to keep the organization legal. This helps protect us as consumers. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7716266031006082752.post-8749862898483630272013-06-10T23:13:00.002-04:002013-06-10T23:13:44.587-04:00Questions<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have been writing a book about SIDS. I am calling it THE ANTI GUIDE TO SIDS AND INFANT LOSS. That title might change prior to publication. It will be out sometime this summer.<br />
Of course, it has a lot of my personal experiences in there but I spent more than a year interviewing my friends and other people I knew who have lost infants to get their experiences as well. It's been hard. I know it's been hard on them answering the questions, it's been hard on me asking them the questions, and it's been hard on everyone reliving those experiences.<br />
<br />
I am in a good place now. That doesn't mean that I don't still feel angry or upset or really, really sad a lot though. I do. But reliving some of the things that have happened...it's like I'm right back there in that time all over again. I've had to stop and take long breaks here and there and put the manuscript away so that I won't fall back into the depression again.Even reliving other people's experiences has been hard. I feel like I am right there with them.<br />
<br />
I remember that about two years after I lost Toby the online forum I belong to branched off. Some of the older members started a Facebook page that was really geared for those parents who had been grieving for awhile. They said that it was hard to keep meeting the new parents over and over again because it took them right back to the beginning and made them feel as though they hadn't progressed in their grief. When I first heard that I kind of thought that was mean. Now I understand it a whole lot more. <br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06978106493173201688noreply@blogger.com0