November 2, 2010

So here it is, almost 4:00 am, and I can’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep last night, either, and ended up having to take something to knock me out at around this time which meant that I didn’t get up until after 2:00 pm. I guess the same thing will happen tomorrow…er…today.

I don’t know where this insomnia is coming from unless my sleeping pattern got screwed up by the stress of last week and the touch of the flu that I had. I hope it gets back on track soon, though, because with Sam leaving daycare I won’t be able to stay up all night anymore.

Last night I dreamt that I was dying. I had some kind of weird disease that was supposed to only affect animals but for some reason I got it and was dying from it. I was in the hospital and hooked up to IVs and my ex-boyfriend’s wife was there, trying to help me. That was the highlight of the dream. It was weird and scary.

Halloween was nice but a little rough. We took Sam trick-or-treating twice and both times I couldn’t help but think about the costumes that I had looked at for Toby and how he would have been with us. I saw lots of babies dressed up and it made me sad. He wasn’t alive for any holidays so I can’t associate any holiday memories with him, but his lack of appearance is almost just as bad.

There is a phenomenon going on with some of my friends that I am having difficulty understanding. I keep getting long e-mails or messages from people outlining to me how busy they are but how they will come and visit me once they are no longer as busy. Okay. It’s not that I don’t appreciate that, but they’re random messages and come out of the blue and it’s not even like they’re brushing me off since I didn’t initiate the conversation to begin with. I’m still getting people, too, that seem to think that they can only come over and visit or do things with me if they have a specific reason to-like bringing me brochures or books. I want to say, look, we can just hang out. You don’t have to come over with educational materials, but that feels rude. I think it’s a way of trying to be helpful, but it’s kind of weird to me. I appreciate those who are not trying to fix me and just let me drink.

Anyway.

Pete and I have both been feeling down the past couple of days. I think we’re still reeling from last week as well as recovering from Halloween. We did do a lot. For us, anyway. After this week we will more or less start the Christmas season and we’ll really be busy then. I hope we don’t crack.

I’m not feeling depressed necessarily, but I am feeling something that I can’t put my finger on. Some days it’s hard to get up the motivation to work and I know that I’m only doing it because we need the money and I pay the big bills. It occurred to me recently that I never really took any time off when Toby was born or when he died so maybe I’m just feeling run down. Not sleeping well, stress, anxiety, and everything else might just be messing with me and making me out of sorts.

Tonight on television there was a medical show where the examiner examined the body of an infant that died from SIDS. I shouldn’t have watched it, but of course I did. The autopsy bit was difficult but I couldn’t take my eyes away from it. Then I switched over to “Hoarders” and one of the women they were profiling had started hoarding after losing her infant to SIDS. It was a bad night for television.

Sitting with Sam on the couch, watching TV, a Pampers commercial came on and they played “Silent Night” while showing images of babies. We played that song at the funeral. I started crying and Sam goes, “Do you miss Baby Brother?” When I said that I did he patted me and said, “Well, he died. But we’ll have another Baby Brother. And he’ll be for you and for me.”

Tomorrow night there is a support group meeting in Lexington for people who have lost infants and we’re going to try to go and see how it goes.

Laura wrote a good blog entry a few days ago about changing herself and standing up for herself and others. it kind of goes along with some of my entries here and she mentions a comment that she left on my other blog. Check it out here... http://lotusholland.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-can-be-funny.html