Tough Week

December 12, 2010

Sam and I had a conversation about Toby the other day. He asked me if we were going to put presents under Toby’s tree and I said no. When he asked me why I said it was because Toby was gone and we couldn’t get him any presents. Sam then said, “That makes me and you sad.” I said that it did and then told him that we could put flowers on his grave. Sam goes, “But that won’t make me happy. How about we give him some cars? But not my cars. Different cars.’

I have been really sick lately. They told me I had gallstones, but tonight I had to go to the ER and they did another ultrasound and said I didn’t have any. They looked really triumphant about it, but it pissed me off. I’m vomiting non-stop, haven’t kept any food or drink down in days, and am in excruciating pain.  If it’s not gallstones then what the hell is it? I went from having pain every once in awhile to every few days to every day, non-stop. It’s really frustrating.

I’m starving, too. When the thought of food isn’t making me nauseated all I can think about is eating.

I talked to a friend today on the way to the hospital and she said that if they admitted me she would bring me something nice to eat. They just gave me some fluids and Zofran through the IV and sent me home after doing a bunch of tests, but that food really sounded good. She then posted on her FB page to pray for me because I was feeling ill. Another friend wrote in and said that they had already been praying for me that day. That’s funny, since I haven’t heard from anyone since Melissa in a week. I don’t know about prayers, but a phone call would have been nice.

I shut down my FB page for the time being because it was adding to my stress. Well meaning people writing me, giving me lots of advice-a lot of it bad. Trying to play not only therapist but doctor to me. Making me talk about things that I didn’t want to talk about. Throwing their weight around like they know so much more about my health than I do, even though they never talk to me. It's weird to me when people come out of the woodwork and just start ordering me around and talking to me like I'm their project or something. It was getting ridiculous. They do it under the guise of caring about me, yet I never get asked to the movies, to dinner, to anything really and they never call just to chat. So to me it just feels like they’re trying to act like they know it all and show off their knowledge-which really isn’t any more than mine. It was just giving me a headache.

Sometimes I feel like people's project. There was a friend for awhile that acted very concerned, and did some helpful things, but later it almost felt like they were bragging to other people about all they had done for us. Plus, they were telling people that I didn't know about how suicidal I was and how badly I was doing and kind of patting themselves on the back for taking care of me and stuff and that made me feel weird. I know, I write about it here. But I choose how to say it and when. For someone else to do it makes me feel kind of icky.  I don't want to be someone's project. I don't hold up well over time.

On top of that, my cousin had a stillborn this week. She was almost full term and she had to carry the baby for a couple of days, knowing that he was gone, and then had to deliver him vaginally. It was really sad. His grandmother posted his picture on her FB page and apparently some people didn’t realize that he was dead in the picture and wrote in and said things like “congratulations.” It was really awful. He just looked like he was sleeping. That really got to me and I feel so bad for them. She had no idea that he was gone and earlier in the week was even talking about her baby shower.

On my cousin’s FB page, someone wrote in and said something like “God does everything for a reason, he’s testing your strength, seeing how you handle things like a man, etc.” He wrote back and basically told the person to take their God and their Bible and shove them. It wasn’t funny, but I almost laughed aloud. The person who wrote that to him really was just trying to help, but I totally understood his hostility. People say things that they think sound good, but really just come out clichéd and unhelpful. And I have NEVER liked the idea of “God” killing someone to test ME. I’ve wanted to shout at people, too, and in a way I use this blog to let out frustrations so it was kind of interesting to see someone just let it all out like that. But I felt very bad for him.

I read in something that parents that lose children are no longer naïve. That we know that bad things can happen and we can’t take for granted that good things are just always going to be. This is totally true. It might not sound like it from reading this, but I try to be positive when I can but since Toby died it’s been very difficult. People will say things to me like, “Oh, I prayed for you so I hope you get better soon!” And while I appreciate the sentiment, I also prayed during the entire ambulance ride and when we got to the hospital and bad things still happened. Or when I worry about a future pregnancy and someone says, “Everything will turn out fine!” Yeah, that’s what EVERYONE said to me last time, and NOTHING turned out fine. It really warps your sense of reality.

I was talking to a friend of mine that lost his partner over a year ago and he identified with a lot of my feelings. He said that most of his friends had abandoned him, too, and said things like, “Call me if you need anything” or “We should do something” and then never followed through. He said that put extra pressure on him because it made him ASK for something and he felt uncomfortable about doing that. He also said that he felt like they should have been reaching out to him and not the other way around.

We talked about the difference between losing someone to a long illness and losing someone suddenly like we did, too. In his case, his partner was older, but his death was very sudden. They were literally sitting there having a conversation and he turned his head away. When he turned back, he was gone. Heart attack.

I’ve read that even if you follow all the precautions, there’s no way to stop SIDS if it’s going to happen. That even if I had been right there at the moment I wouldn’t have been able to revive him. That his brain told his heart to stop beating and his lungs to stop breathing. Of course, I like to think that I could have done something anyway. I would have liked the chance to try to fight for him. If he had been sick, I would have taken him to every hospital in town and seen every doctor we had to help him. I would have liked to have had that opportunity. But I didn’t.

I joined an online SIDS support group and I talked to a lot of women there. One lost her baby the same day I lost Toby. They have a message board and one of the recent threads was called “Bite Me.” It was a way to vent regarding things that people had said to us or done to us. It was a lot of fun to read and I added my two cents, too. It’s kind of private, but I do remember one person writing in and saying, “To all those holiday ads featuring bouncy babies and toddlers-BITE ME. That should be MY house.” Venting with people who understand is very therapeutic.