Toby Scholarship

April 7, 2011

Back from another night at the hospital. This time I was at Pattie A Clay. Hadn’t been there since I was there sick with Toby so it was hard. It was a really rough night and I just wanted to come home. Luckily I only had to stay one night there, though, so it wasn’t so bad.

We made a little scholarship in Toby’s name for the writer’s retreat that we took him to. They are having it at the same place that he went to with us so it’s really special. I would have really enjoyed going this weekend but I can’t travel and I really think it would be too hard. I think I would see him everywhere. He was strapped onto one of us the whole time we were there and I think everyone held him at least once. He was so quiet and so cute and lovable. I'm glad we went, even though it might have sounded crazy since he was only 2 weeks old at the time. I only have nice memories of the place but sometimes even the good memories hurt as much as the bad ones.

I got an e-mail from the director and waned to post a little bit of it:

“Well, the Gathering starts tomorrow, and we're sure going to miss you. 
Please know that the Toby Howard Scholarship will be talked about, and so will you and Pete.
What a wonderful gift you have given.  You are a treasure, and I am so lucky just to know you.  For the scholarship I thank you, () and () thank you, and everyone in the Gathering community thanks you and appreciates you and will understand completely why you can't go back to Grailville so soon.  It'll be hard for all of us who were there last time.
Take good care.  Feel the good vibes we'll be sending your way all weekend long."

This is so important to me because once your child dies you become their spokesperson. I really want Toby’s short life to mean something, even if it just means that a couple of nice people get to get away for a weekend and sing and write songs with other nice people. He only lived a little while, but he still lived and I like to think that part of him is still going on. 

I was talking about this with the support group, too, in terms of organ donations. Even though his heart and other organs might have gone to research it does make me feel better to think that it might actually still be beating somewhere else, in someone else's body. Maybe another parent was at the risk of losing their baby and Toby saved a life or helped a child see or something. I hope so.