July 3, 2011
This week has been hard, but this weekend has been even harder. This was the weekend that I had Toby. Tomorrow is the day I went into labor with him. I can’t believe that a year has gone by. It seems unreal. We were right here in Lexington this time last year and had no idea what was in store for us, either that day nor what would occur six weeks later.
The fact that my impending delivery is only days away (or could come any minute) is throwing me off as well. I don’t want her to be born on the same day or even within several days of him. Originally, we discussed the 6th but that is Wednesday. He likes to do the C-section on Fridays in Lexington and that’s a little bit better. We might even push it into the next week but it will depend on how the swelling and preeclampsia symptoms go.
We were going to have a little Toby memorial on Sunday and combine it with a baby sprinkle for Iris but decided against it. I’m having trouble doing a lot right now and just don’t know from one day to the next how I feel. I had this idea of making quilt squares for him and having everyone design one and then putting it together as a memorial thing for him and I would have liked to have done that. Sam is bummed about not having a party. I think it’s better in the long run, though, to just rest and then do something at the gravesite. We plan on going up there on Tuesday, laying down some top soil and grass seed, and covering it with hay. We’re also going to buy some sparklers and put them around the grave and write some messages on balloons and then release them into the air. I don’t know that we will celebrate any other birthdays after this one, but his first birthday seemed important.
We’ve used his nursery decorations to decorate our office and it’s nice having them in here with us. Pete thinks that when we move again we should actually make Toby a bedroom and use it as a guestroom, but have his decorations in it so that he always has a place in the house.