Toby's Angel Day

September 6, 2011

On Thursday I am having  a hysterectomy. I know that the world isn’t ready for another one of my pregnancies and frankly, I’m finished. I love babies but I can’t put anyone, including myself, through another one. I’m not sure my body would take another one since they just seem to keep getting worse and worse.

I’m glad that I didn’t have it after Toby was born, like we had planned. If I had, then I wouldn’t have Iris. So this is a good time. There are so many things wrong with my reproductive system that taking it out is the only option at this point. It doesn’t react to medications or surgeries so this is the end of the line for it.

Toby’s Angel Day wasn’t as bad as we thought it would be. We went up, decorated the grave, had some grilled cheese sandwiches at the local Frosty Freeze, and then looked at a house that we are considering buying. We fell in love with the property and it gave a little piece of hope to what would have otherwise been a sad and depressing day.

I didn’t feel like Toby was with us but that didn’t surprise me. I think Toby’s spirit has moved on. Maybe he’s been reborn and is someone else’s baby or maybe he’s hanging out with Elvis and Nana in Summerland. If so, then I’m sure Nana is teaching him some colorful language, Jim is introducing him to everyone, and hopefully Elvis is helping him get into some mischief. But I don’t think that he’s hanging around here, watching us. I hope not. I know he has places to go and people to see and I would much rather think of him getting into some adventures than hanging around here on Earth.

I do believe that there is an afterlife but I’m not sure of what it is. I don’t believe in the afterlife that I was taught to believe in as a child. I don’t really believe that there are pearly gates, that everyone gets a pair of wings, and that things are all beautiful and roses in a Christian type of Heaven. Truthfully, I don’t think I would want to go to a Heaven like that. I like the Eastern and Pagan ideas of afterlife-that you create your own. I want to be able to miss people and love people and have sad moments. If you don’t have sadness sometimes then how can you know when you are happy? I do believe in reincarnation but I don’t think it’s for everyone. And a Goddess makes much more sense to me than a male God. After all, isn’t it women who give life to things?

So I don’t think that things end when we’re gone but I’m a little fuzzy on the details. I’m okay with being fuzzy, too. I just hope that wherever he is he stops and thinks about us sometimes, remembers the brief happy moments he had with us, and looks forward to seeing us again someday. Maybe he’ll come back as one of my grandkids or maybe he’ll be a young hitchhiker that we pick up and offer a ride to when we’re in our twilight years. I’m just glad at this point that we had the time with him that we did.