Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Getting “Closure”

In the past year I’ve heard a lot about this supposed “closure” that I should be receiving. Well-meaning talk about how I can’t have “closure” since we didn’t get the autopsy report, don’t have the death certificate, etc. etc. The thing is, how does one get closure on the death of a child?

I understand that he is dead. I have no disillusions that he will come back again. Some days, I am even somewhat at peace with the fact that I won’t see him again. But “closure?” You seek closure when you break up with your boyfriend. You receive closure when you get the apology that you were waiting for. You get closure when you find the answer to something that you were looking for.

I’m sorry, but the death of a child is never okay. It’s biologically wrong. The parent is supposed to go first. Show me a disease, an accident, or a condition that can lend closure to a parent losing a child.

When we weren’t sure what caused Toby’s death friends replied with things like, “Oh, that’s terrible. You’ll never have closure until you know!” Because knowing makes it easier? SIDS is a cause of death by exclusion, meaning that everything else was ruled out and they just don’t know what happened. There is no “closure.”


Rona Fernandez said...

I totally hear you and agree. I lost my daughter at 4 1/2 months old, 5 days after her doctor told me at her checkup that she was in perfect health. This is not okay or right and it doesn't make sense. All we can do (and of course this is not easy if it's even possible) is try to be at peace with the fact that it's not 'right', and theres nothing we could have done to prevent it. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your blog, I am grateful to find other parents I can relate to.

Rebecca said...

I'm grateful to find people out there that understand, too, although I am sorry that we are all out here at all. :-( I'm sorry about your daughter. I have one right now that is almost 4 months old and I think I have held my breath since she was born.