Getting “Closure”

In the past year I’ve heard a lot about this supposed “closure” that I should be receiving. Well-meaning talk about how I can’t have “closure” since we didn’t get the autopsy report, don’t have the death certificate, etc. etc. The thing is, how does one get closure on the death of a child?

I understand that he is dead. I have no disillusions that he will come back again. Some days, I am even somewhat at peace with the fact that I won’t see him again. But “closure?” You seek closure when you break up with your boyfriend. You receive closure when you get the apology that you were waiting for. You get closure when you find the answer to something that you were looking for.

I’m sorry, but the death of a child is never okay. It’s biologically wrong. The parent is supposed to go first. Show me a disease, an accident, or a condition that can lend closure to a parent losing a child.

When we weren’t sure what caused Toby’s death friends replied with things like, “Oh, that’s terrible. You’ll never have closure until you know!” Because knowing makes it easier? SIDS is a cause of death by exclusion, meaning that everything else was ruled out and they just don’t know what happened. There is no “closure.”