Christmas

I thought I’d write about Christmas.

Someone sent me a message earlier and told me that they knew that Christmas would be bittersweet for me and that it wouldn’t feel right since I wouldn’t have Toby here.

That’s the way it should be, I guess, but it’s not.

I never had Toby at Christmastime. That’s not a memory that I have of him. Last Christmas was hard because of all those damn baby ads. It felt like I SHOULD be buying Christmas presents for a baby and I couldn’t help but think about what Toby would be doing at that stage in his life. Would he be interested in the presents? Sitting up? Laughing a lot? Toby was a very serious baby. I missed him because I missed him, but not because it was Christmas. Just because it was another day.

I miss Jim a lot at Christmas. It was definitely his holiday. He loved to decorate and there was always a party at his house. We would meet at least once for dinner and exchange presents and then we’d go over there. He’d make drinks and we’d act goofy and eat good food. His tree always looked gorgeous.

I thought about Jim a lot this week, especially while I wrapped presents. I was using his old wrapping paper that had been found while moving. So I like to think he’s making an appearance in the house.

But Toby…I wish I had Christmas memories of him. Missing him at Christmas isn’t any different than missing him on any other day, though.

We talked about going to his grave tomorrow but decided against it. Neither one of us felt right about it. It’s not fair to drag Sam away from his presents and his Christmas day to spend 3+ hours in the car to go to the cemetery. I feel slightly guilty about it, but Toby would understand and if he’s anywhere than he’s here with us in the house. We put his tree up and have his angels out. I’m working on a wreath for his grave, too, so when it’s ready and we’re ready we’ll go out there.

I feel really sad that he’s not here to enjoy Christmas with us, but I think he might have sent Iris and seeing her laugh and rip at the paper and having fun with her helps a lot. It’s really easy to look at her sometimes and think that if he hadn’t died she wouldn’t be here. But then that would mean choosing between the two and I can’t do that, either. So I have to enjoy what I have and try to appreciate that as much as I can.