At the hospital the other day, while waiting for the neurosurgeon. my friend A and I got into a long discussion about our new normal. A did not lose a child but lost a partner and Toby was named after that partner. We are on the same wavelengths in many regards so we share a lot.
I told A that I had recently cut some people out and that I felt guilty about it. We both agreed, though, the the people we were before our losses and the people we are now are not the same people. In some ways, we might be better. (I feel like I put up with far less bullshit these days.) In some ways not. The fact is, though, we're different.
I really feel like after having such a blow as losing your child you really do have to start over from scratch in a sense. Your relationship dynamics change, your feelings change, the way you approach life in general changes...That's one of the reasons why I think we have so much trouble identifying with others now who have not experienced something of this caliber-we're just not on the same wavelength. We're like moving sidewalks in Vegas-ultimately going in the same direction but on different tracks. And some aren't sidewalks at all-some are escalators.
There have been a few people that ran for the hills after Toby died but there are just as many that we cut out ourselves. Being friends with them was fine when we were different people and had high tolerances and lots of time and energy to cater to their whims and needs. Now, not so much.
I think there comes a point in this aftermath where we have to be gentle and forgiving with ourselves and be like, hey, it's okay to cut ___ out. I don't want to work there anymore, I don't have anything in common with them anymore, I don't enjoy doing that anymore, etc. The more we can do for ourselves and take care of ourselves, the better.
My friend A said that he's a different person and will never be the old A again. I agree. Instead of trying to get back to the old me, I have started trying to move forward with the new one. That might not sound like such a big deal, but it kind of is.
I told A that I had recently cut some people out and that I felt guilty about it. We both agreed, though, the the people we were before our losses and the people we are now are not the same people. In some ways, we might be better. (I feel like I put up with far less bullshit these days.) In some ways not. The fact is, though, we're different.
I really feel like after having such a blow as losing your child you really do have to start over from scratch in a sense. Your relationship dynamics change, your feelings change, the way you approach life in general changes...That's one of the reasons why I think we have so much trouble identifying with others now who have not experienced something of this caliber-we're just not on the same wavelength. We're like moving sidewalks in Vegas-ultimately going in the same direction but on different tracks. And some aren't sidewalks at all-some are escalators.
There have been a few people that ran for the hills after Toby died but there are just as many that we cut out ourselves. Being friends with them was fine when we were different people and had high tolerances and lots of time and energy to cater to their whims and needs. Now, not so much.
I think there comes a point in this aftermath where we have to be gentle and forgiving with ourselves and be like, hey, it's okay to cut ___ out. I don't want to work there anymore, I don't have anything in common with them anymore, I don't enjoy doing that anymore, etc. The more we can do for ourselves and take care of ourselves, the better.
My friend A said that he's a different person and will never be the old A again. I agree. Instead of trying to get back to the old me, I have started trying to move forward with the new one. That might not sound like such a big deal, but it kind of is.
3 comments:
This is so true, many events shape a person. Losing someone as close as a child or partner - changes you altogether.
I've been feeling that. It's different from moving on, it's accepting you can't go any further a leaving yourself by the side of the road ad walking on someone new. someone very similar, but not the same.
I think you explained this better, :)
There have been a few people that ran for the hills after Toby died but there are just as many that we cut out ourselves. Being friends with them was fine when we were different people and had high tolerances and lots of time and energy to cater to their whims and needs. Now, not so much.
*****
Rebecca, I ended up here by way of Glow. Sometimes I'm not sure how I find blogs, anymore - I hate to drop in out of "nowhere."
Like your friend A, my details are different than yours - but oh, do I hear what you're saying. Loud and clear.
There are so many people (that sounds horrible, but it's true) who just had to go. I didn't realize how *many* I was catering to until I lost all ability to cater. Then I found out some were quite ready to demand attention to their petty grievances - regardless of my drowning.
I'm in the process of learning not to feel guilt for cutting the dead weight loose, too.
Your words really helped.
I am so, so, so far beyond sorry that your Toby died.
And I feel INFURIATED at those who dare to suggest you are whining when you talk about him!
I am equally furious that someone would ignore the death of your child and prattle on about a Stephen King book in blissful idiocy. (GRRRR>>>>>!)
In trying to learn boundaries, I guess I'll have to work on not being a witch. Maybe. Or maybe a little "witch" is good, when needed to keep the life-suckers away.
Toby is beautiful - beautiful. I am so sorry he is not in your arms.
xo Cathy in Missouri
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