Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Learning something

So I got my feelings hurt by one of my friends. It's actually been going on for awhile now and I tried to just suck it up and ignore it but lately it's become increasingly difficult to do so. I decided that, during this period, I really just needed a break from her. The friendship was getting difficult and I didn't really know where to go with it. It wasn't a mutually supportive one and was actually making me feel bad.

I ended up sending her a message and explaining how I felt.

About 24 hours later, I regretted it.

I actually do think it's important to talk to people and let them know how you feel but sometimes, it's just not a good time. You know what I mean? The more I thought about this friend, the more I felt like a real weenie. She is going through a lot right now. It's not the same kind of bad things that we are, but I do believe that just because your bad and my bad aren't the same bad doesn't mean they're both not bad. (I hope that makes sense.) I didn't want to add to her stress by opening up my message and reading about how I was upset with her.

Also, as I thought about it, I realized that the same thing had happened to me last week. I didn't want to be hypocritical. I also didn't want to be that kind of person, like the one who did it to me.

So, I wrote her back and apologized.

My feelings are still hurt, I still feel like she could have handled things differently, but in the scheme of things, it just wasn't worth making her feel bad over.

I think about the way I have been treated and what people have done to me when I am feeling at my worst and I have learned something-I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be like those people.

I still believe that communication is important in a friendship but I am not going to the friend that made the situation worse or added to someone's stress or kicked them while they are down.

I have said over and over that I am not the same person I was before Toby died. On the same token, I don't want to be. There are changes that I have made in myself that I think are for the better. I learn something new about myself everyday and I'm actually okay with those changes and the new things.

I cut people out who aren't healthy for me, where I used to hang onto them.

I tell my kids I love them more.

I care less about what other people think.

I make more of an effort to do things with my family.

I fight medical professionals until they take me seriously.

I try to reach out to people who are hurting more consistently.

I try to give people who are going through rough times the benefit of the doubt more.

And over the night, as I thought about my friend, I realized that I COULD say something to her, but it wouldn't accomplish anything except giving me some satisfaction. And what would that do? Nothing, in the long run. I don't really know why she did or said the things she did or didn't say. I don't live in her house or her mind or know the real trials she is facing. What if she was feeling really awful and my words were enough to push her over the edge. Would I be able to live with that? No. What if she was having a crappy day and I made her cry. Would I be able to live with that? I don't think so. She's trying and doing the best she can, just like everyone else.

So we can take some time apart and maybe, at some point in the future when we're both feeling better, we can have a conversation about it. Or maybe we won't. But right now, I feel like life is too short to make anyone feel bad. I can suck it up. 

2 comments:

Susan said...

I just can't be bothered with heavy stuff. I don't have the energy to deal with things.

When people upset me now, I am most likely to just withdraw. I never used to be like that at all. At the end of the day, I figure there are just a few important people who are worth struggling with when they are being awful. My mother doesn't make that list, I'm afraid.

So it is short!

It has never ceased to amaze me how crass people are. And unfeeling. My neighbour (who has a child 2 months younger than C should be) came over to pick a fight about a boundary fence on the anniversary of her death this year. Idiot.

Rebecca said...

That's how we've felt for a long time, too. Pete more so than me. He hasn't had any trouble cutting people off or out if they just try to add more stress. Or to laugh about it. Now, I spend less time trying to work on relationships. They seem so fleeting anyway. And yeah, there are few people worth the effort.