I actually don't have any drama in my life at the moment, but after several recent conversations with both SIDS and non-SIDS women, it's a subject matter that I thought was worth visiting.
Many of us have had one thing happen after another. In fact, for several of us, losing our child was the first bad thing in a long series of bad things that have left us winded. It seems kind of crazy, but look at it this way:
August 2011: Toby died
August 2011: Dad had a heart attack
September 2011: Pete's mom died
October 2011: our dogs were poisoned
November 2011: Mom had a stroke
November 2011: Pete lost his job
December 2011: I got gallstones
December 2011: hyperemesis
January 2011: subchorionic hematoma
February 2011: placenta previa
March 2011: partial placental abruption
April 2011: landlord decided to live in our house-we had 90 days to move
April 2011: Uncle #1 dies
May 2011: intrauterine growth restriction
May 2011: Pete's grandpa died
June 2011: we moved
July 2011: pre-eclampsia
July 2011: Iris is born
August 2011: Iris has incredibly rare genetic disorder
August 2011: Iris hospitalized for seizures
August 2011: first anniversary of Toby's death
August 2011: I have my gallbladder removed
Sept. 2011: I have a hysterectomy
That was in ONE YEAR.
And, if that wasn't bad enough, in YEAR TWO we had:
* Brain surgery (me)
* Iris health issues (RSV-twice, bronchitis, pneumonia, allergic reaction to amoixcillin, whooping cough-turns out it wasn't but she was still treated for it, allergies, collapsed esophagus, and seizures)
* Sam health issues (RSV, pneumonia, asthma, strop throat, and bronchitis)
* moved again
* Uncle #2 die
* The deaths of two of my friend's children in a fire (going to the funeral of one toddler is bad enough, to see two in a casket is heartbreaking beyond words)
* Dad health issues (2 more heart attacks)
* Flea infestation that was unexplained (no animals in the house) and cost hundreds of dollars to eliminate
To say that it has been one thing after another is an understatement.
And we won't even get into some of the crazies that have tried to forge their own brand of drama.
What's really crazy is that now sometimes Toby's death almost becomes an aside. When Iris was in the hospital 2 weeks ago I was in the X-ray room with the technician and we were trying to get her situated for the X-ray and he asked what was going on with her (she had pneumonia from the RSV) and I said, "Well, she got RSV from her older brother and it's turned into pneumonia. The doctors are a little concerned since my younger son died two years ago and we're not sure why." We just went on from there.
You know, we won't ever know why Toby died, either. He was not screened for Biotinidase Deficiency and there are no remaining blood samples of his to be tested. Even if there were, we wouldn't have the money to have them tested. They didn't know to look for Chiari in the autopsy so it wasn't reported. (This isn't unusual. I got a copy of the MRI I had in 2004 and you can plainly see my brain hanging down into my neck on the image yet it wasn't in the report nor did my doc tell me about it. it would be another 8 years before we heard anything about Chiari.) He might have died from a stroke or seizure but those can't be determined on his autopsy. And, even if they were, we have no way of knowing what caused the stroke or seizure. Could have been Chiari, could have been BD, could have been a heart attack (both me, Iris, and my dad have heart issues).
The only things that were ruled out for certainty was suffocation and negligence.Do I worry about something happening to one of my other kids? Every day. That's why they get taken to the doctor when something doesn't feel right.
So, there has been a lot of drama.
But we've managed to have fun, too. In the middle of all of that we've picked pumpkins and chopped down Christmas trees and gone to parks and gone on vacation and built furniture and planted gardens and read books and gone to movies and made dinners and gone for drives and told ghost stories and played in museums and attended festivals and watched fireworks...
It hasn't ALL been drama.
A couple of months after Toby died, a couple we were very close to dropped out of our lives because there was "too much drama." Someone passed a sign around on Facebook the other day and it said something like, "I'm not sorry that you gave up on me. You should be sorry that you gave up on someone who never would have given up on you."
I might not have always dealt with what went on with the best dignity, but it got dealt with and we're still here. So are other people who didn't give up on us. That number might be small, but it's not about quantity.
Many of us have had one thing happen after another. In fact, for several of us, losing our child was the first bad thing in a long series of bad things that have left us winded. It seems kind of crazy, but look at it this way:
August 2011: Toby died
August 2011: Dad had a heart attack
September 2011: Pete's mom died
October 2011: our dogs were poisoned
November 2011: Mom had a stroke
November 2011: Pete lost his job
December 2011: I got gallstones
December 2011: hyperemesis
January 2011: subchorionic hematoma
February 2011: placenta previa
March 2011: partial placental abruption
April 2011: landlord decided to live in our house-we had 90 days to move
April 2011: Uncle #1 dies
May 2011: intrauterine growth restriction
May 2011: Pete's grandpa died
June 2011: we moved
July 2011: pre-eclampsia
July 2011: Iris is born
August 2011: Iris has incredibly rare genetic disorder
August 2011: Iris hospitalized for seizures
August 2011: first anniversary of Toby's death
August 2011: I have my gallbladder removed
Sept. 2011: I have a hysterectomy
That was in ONE YEAR.
And, if that wasn't bad enough, in YEAR TWO we had:
* Brain surgery (me)
* Iris health issues (RSV-twice, bronchitis, pneumonia, allergic reaction to amoixcillin, whooping cough-turns out it wasn't but she was still treated for it, allergies, collapsed esophagus, and seizures)
* Sam health issues (RSV, pneumonia, asthma, strop throat, and bronchitis)
* moved again
* Uncle #2 die
* The deaths of two of my friend's children in a fire (going to the funeral of one toddler is bad enough, to see two in a casket is heartbreaking beyond words)
* Dad health issues (2 more heart attacks)
* Flea infestation that was unexplained (no animals in the house) and cost hundreds of dollars to eliminate
To say that it has been one thing after another is an understatement.
And we won't even get into some of the crazies that have tried to forge their own brand of drama.
What's really crazy is that now sometimes Toby's death almost becomes an aside. When Iris was in the hospital 2 weeks ago I was in the X-ray room with the technician and we were trying to get her situated for the X-ray and he asked what was going on with her (she had pneumonia from the RSV) and I said, "Well, she got RSV from her older brother and it's turned into pneumonia. The doctors are a little concerned since my younger son died two years ago and we're not sure why." We just went on from there.
You know, we won't ever know why Toby died, either. He was not screened for Biotinidase Deficiency and there are no remaining blood samples of his to be tested. Even if there were, we wouldn't have the money to have them tested. They didn't know to look for Chiari in the autopsy so it wasn't reported. (This isn't unusual. I got a copy of the MRI I had in 2004 and you can plainly see my brain hanging down into my neck on the image yet it wasn't in the report nor did my doc tell me about it. it would be another 8 years before we heard anything about Chiari.) He might have died from a stroke or seizure but those can't be determined on his autopsy. And, even if they were, we have no way of knowing what caused the stroke or seizure. Could have been Chiari, could have been BD, could have been a heart attack (both me, Iris, and my dad have heart issues).
The only things that were ruled out for certainty was suffocation and negligence.Do I worry about something happening to one of my other kids? Every day. That's why they get taken to the doctor when something doesn't feel right.
So, there has been a lot of drama.
But we've managed to have fun, too. In the middle of all of that we've picked pumpkins and chopped down Christmas trees and gone to parks and gone on vacation and built furniture and planted gardens and read books and gone to movies and made dinners and gone for drives and told ghost stories and played in museums and attended festivals and watched fireworks...
It hasn't ALL been drama.
A couple of months after Toby died, a couple we were very close to dropped out of our lives because there was "too much drama." Someone passed a sign around on Facebook the other day and it said something like, "I'm not sorry that you gave up on me. You should be sorry that you gave up on someone who never would have given up on you."
I might not have always dealt with what went on with the best dignity, but it got dealt with and we're still here. So are other people who didn't give up on us. That number might be small, but it's not about quantity.
1 comment:
Yeah its weird. Our life turn upside down 2 months before we lost Jayden. And it seems like every 2 months we are dealing with something crazy. But my girls having pneumonia in June and Jared's back surgery really put me down. Their health has become the most important thing for me. The one thing I have learn is not to get so stress out about other things that honestly can be solved. Jared's contracts for example finish and he was lay off just a month ago. Honestly before Jayden's death if it would have happen I would have been so stress. Not NOW. I looked at my husband and said its okay with what we have we can pay for the basic bills and food for at least 6 months so lets not worry. I have realize health is not something we can buy. Its the most important thing and if our kids are fine and Jared is fine thats all i really need. You are a survivor Rebecca and I hate when ppl say im stronger than they are because none of us are we just have no choice but u deserve commendation because dealing with health issues is exausting and painful specially when its your kids.
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