September 27, 2010
It's been a hard day. I woke up feeling bad and although the weather is kind of magical (misty and foggy) it has made me sad.
My period came on in full force yesterday which is kind of disheartening. Aside from being a reminder that I am no longer pregnant (yet have no baby to show for it) it is also very painful. I have now met with 3 doctors and they've all said the same thing-take it out. The only "treatment" are pain pills (and of course they won't give me any of the good stuff, damn addicts) and the only "cure" is a hysterectomy.
In the meantime, it's just a bunch of pain which intensifies during my period. I spent all day in bed yesterday and although I DID manage to work today I've had to take another lackluster pain pill which does nothing but knock me out.
I would like to have another baby but the thought is terrifying. Could I go through another pregnancy? Would I be scared the entire time? What would we do when the baby got here? Would part of us be sad that it wasn't Toby? Pete isn't ready to get pregnant again, which is understandable, but I hate this pain and want something done about it. I hate the pain in my heart and the pain in my uterus. I don't know which one is worse. We could do another surgery for the endometriosis and that would help with it for about a year but the only thing that can be done for the adenomyosis is either the hysterectomy or medication that would send me into early menopause.
I feel like I am everyone's "problem child" and I hate that. I feel needy and emotional and most of all, negative. I don't want to be like that. Then I remind myself that it's just been a month so I should allow myself more time.
Earlier someone wrote me and asked me if they could bring me some pamphlets on anxiety and panic disorders. Aside from the fact that I have loads of that stuff already from my old job I hate that visiting me seems to be combined with "fixing" me. Why can't we just hang out? Karen understands this. We cry, drink wine, and she paints green polka dots on my toes. And talk about sex. A lot. This is helpful. Other people seem to want to play therapist to me.
Last week a very nice person let me stay at their high quality establishment for free for two nights. Pete spent one of those nights with me but had too much anxiety and couldn't stay the first night. I enjoyed myself and liked having some alone time but I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Sometimes I feel a little bit like a circus freak-oh look, there's the woman that lost her child! She must have done SOMETHING wrong…Am I supposed to talk about him? Not talk about him? Weird stuff like that. I slept with one of Toby's pajamas.