Settling back in

March 15, 2011

We ate at a local restaurant the other day that we hadn’t been to since Toby died. The last time I was there Toby was actually with me so it was a little strange. The servers were glad to see us and hugged us and said that they had been thinking about us. Small town, you know. Everyone knows our business. But at least that keeps us from having to explain where Toby is everywhere we go.

We also went on vacation last week. I wondered what it would have been like if Toby had been with us. If he had been with us, though, we probably wouldn’t have gone to Myrtle Beach because I wouldn’t have been pregnant. We probably would have gone somewhere that we could have flown to. We had been talking about going to Spain before he died. Now international travel doesn’t sound so appealing. Even Sam was crying to come home by the second day because he missed his stuffed animals, cats, and his house.

I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday and as I was checking out the receptionist kept me there and talked to me forever about Toby. She even cried and I felt bad for her. It’s weird when you’re put in the position of having to console the person who is upset for you. She was one of the few people, though, who actually said, “You must be terrified” in regards to having a new baby. Um, yeah. Just a little bit.

I talk to a lot of women whose babies died from SIDS and they want to get pregnant again and have another child right away. I wanted one right away, too. Honestly, though, had I known that there would be this much anxiety involved and this much stress I don’t think we would have. We have already decided that if something happens to this pregnancy we will not go through another one. I can’t be pregnant again and already the thought of having a newborn in the house is giving us both panic attacks.

This is not something you can tell someone who wants to get pregnant, though. I don’t think it is something that you can understand until you are going through it. Mom works with pregnant teens a lot and she talks about how they have their babies and then complain about not getting enough sleep at night and being tired. Like, what did they expect? Knowing what to expect and actually being in that situation are completely different, though. There were many nights in the past when I stayed up all night or was up all night throwing up from the flu or whatever. I’ve never been a great sleeper. But there is a huge difference between not being able to sleep because of something that is going on with you and not being able to sleep because someone else won’t let you-especially when you are exhausted and all you want to do is sleep.

It’s like when people try to pawn their kids off on you in order to “prepare” you for when you have your own. It’s never the same thing. I agree with my friend Angelina who says that she has far more patience with her own child than with the children of others. I also tend to like my kid more than I like other kids. And no matter how long you have someone else’s child, you always know in the back of your mind that it is temporary and that you can eventually give them back. One of the best things that I have read about preparing for parenthood recommended that you take a goat to the supermarket with you when you are in a hurry and that might give you an inkling of what it’s like shopping with children.

We had another set of friends drop off the face of the earth. We hadn’t heard from them in months and just assumed that they were busy. I had sent a couple of texts telling them about the baby, the gender of the baby, and Sam’s birthday party but never heard back from them. I just assumed that their number had changed or something. Then yesterday Mom was signed into Facebook and I saw them online. From my account, though, they didn’t even show up in a search. They had blocked me.

Now, I know that I have pissed some people off. I am aware of this. But I have wracked my brain trying to figure out what went wrong here and nothing is coming to mind. I’ve done nothing but praised them, thanked them, and said good things about them. You can’t say anything bad about either one of them! It has really hurt Pete’s feelings because he thought a lot of both of them, especially the guy, and we considered them our closest “couple” friends. Our feelings are hurt.

Yes, there has been a lot of drama around here. But they weren’t here for any of that. In fact, we have only seen them once since the week after Toby’s funeral. We haven’t been calling them, asking them for favors or anything, or crying on their shoulders. I don’t think either one of them has even read my blog. So I can’t believe that we wore out our welcome.

People say things like “It’s their loss” but really it’s ours, too. We liked them. We liked hanging out with them. That really hurts.