WARNING: There are some disturbing comments below (not mine). Please read at your own risk. If you have recently suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, in particular, then you might want to skip this entry.
If you’ve read my other blog then you know how I feel about the Duggars. I have mixed feelings regarding their procreating enthusiasm but strong feelings regarding the public spectacle they have made of their recent miscarriage. With that being said, I actually think the company they used to take pictures of their miscarried child (she was not a stillborn, as she passed away at 16 weeks) is a GOOD thing. For many parents, the photographs of their stillborn are all they have and the photos that are taken are tasteful.
The company also has a forum that grieving parents can visit. Most have had miscarriages although some have had stillborns. Very few lost infants. I saw no mention of SIDS in any of the discussions but I didn’t read far.
This post is actually about a thread on IMDB, however. On the Duggar board, some of the people had very strong opinions on the miscarriage and how it was being handled. Someone found the forum on the photography website and posted it. What ensued were comments about the grieving parents (NOT the Duggars). In 136 replies they copied and pasted comments from the other board, ridiculed them, and offered their own commentary. Someone also found a blog belonging to someone who had miscarried and they proceeded to rip it apart, too.
Now, I can only assume that the posters on IMDB were complaining about the people who’d had miscarriages or stillbirths and not parents who had lost infants. Still, from the comments, it’s hard to tell. (And some might argue that it’s cruel either way.) I read through the entire thread and it turned my stomach in some cases.
Here are a few things that I encountered:
“I know this is mean, but they need to get over it. They're choosing to despair over it, it's self-indulgent. Babies die, BFD.”
“Six 'angel babies'? So, this bitch couldn't carry to term six babies, yet she had to keep trying? And then the one who was born has disabilities on top of it. This person shouldn't have been trying to have kids, period.”
“There's nothing you can do right for these people.”
“There's nothing you can do right for these people.”
“I can't decide if the weirdos on this site are attention seeking whores or if they are so crazy that they really can't get over their miscarriage. I'm assuming it's a little of both.”
“So many of these threads are about how no one can possibly understand their pain or how someone forgot the birthday of their stillborn child. SERIOUSLY?! They expect others to send them a card on the birthday of a child that lived for 2 hours?”
“This really is like a fad. Look at how some of these people talk. They refer to having a miscarriage as being a "parent of angel".”
“This really is like a fad. Look at how some of these people talk. They refer to having a miscarriage as being a "parent of angel". What awesome lingo! Now instead of having a miscarriage you actually just carried an angel for god. But everyone has to feel sorry for you cause you are like a martyr since you had to sacrifice something for god.”
“I can completely understand someone being so grieved by it, or even terrified, that they choose to not be pregnant ever again. On the other hand, I don't understand how these people can't simply move on with their lives. I'm not a sociopath, my dog died almost two years ago & it still hurts (he was a baby to me), but at some point you have to open yourself up to more than grief.”
“It's funny how you use your dog as an example cause I can relate to that and I think it's a good analogy. I have a certain pet that I lost 10 years ago. Poor thing died a not so good death and I still tear up thinking about it. BUT I don't expect the world to stop and ask me on my pets birthday how I'm feeling.”
“Why in the world do these women and men (and there are men posters) think that anyone is going to care about a baby they never even met? It's ridiculous.”
“This one's definitely in the Duggar category:
Because I have eight children I have heard, "At least you have eight other children." Well, I wanted that ninth one, so that doesn't work for me.
8 kids? G'damn woman! What a selfish bitch! You should make an id on their forum & direct them to this thread, so they can see how stupid they appear to other people.”
“She's a psychopath. Did you see her latest post where that mean lady from church "re-traumatized" her by handing her baby clothes??? I hope that whatever force is preventing her from giving birth keeps it up... That gene pool needs to be drained ASAP.”
“Oh, you just know they do say it to others...in public...wherever and whenever they get the opportunity. If they're already saying they have x number of children, including their 'angel babies', of course they're ready and willing to share Angel Baby's name(s). I don't think these ppl can even begin to comprehend an awkward convo piece. Can't you just picture it? Everyone out at brunch w/several new friends...sharing history, professions...how many children each one has. Sally: 'I have two girls.' Bridget: 'I have three, two girls and a boy.' Cindy: 'I have six angel babies, and their names are”
“If you want to see some of the snottiest comments made by people who think they belong to a club go to a thread that is about "grieving" or "what not to say". “
“I think there are a lot of people who use sad life events to get attention for themselves. Pure and simple. And since nobody wants to challenge them because losing a pregnancy can be a sensitive topic, they're allowed to canonize themselves and write dead baby angel stories. No one has the balls to tell them they're weirdos or to get the *beep* over themselves.”
Yeah…so….I don’t know that I really have much to say about that. Free speech and all, but wow. Those weren’t even some of the most hateful things.
To be fair, one of the more insistent posters did comment on the fact that they would feel differently about the grief process if the parents were referring to a child that had had survived the pregnancy into infancy and beyond, but I still can’t imagine being someone coming out of a miscarriage or stillbirth and reading those comments even a year later.
I particularly liked the one where the person compared the loss of a pregnancy to the loss of a dog.
I’m posting these because sometimes people have trouble believing that such insensitive things can actually be said to grieving parents. Well, this thread is not hard to find. Just go to IMDB to the Duggars’ show and look for the thread entitled “'NowiSleep' forum quotes - This place is crazy.”
Now, I love a good fight but I don’t feel like this one is mine (yet). You can’t fight all the fools out there. But I do think that attention should be brought to the fact that not everyone is compassionate to the loss of a pregnancy or a child. This is just an example of that.