Monday, April 23, 2012

You don't know me

I don't even know where I'm going with this entry. I probably shouldn't write it.

I feel closer to most of the people out there who have lost babies that I have never met-the faceless readers whom I will probably never meet. I feel more and more distant from some of the more tangible people in my life all the time.

I'm getting so tired of people putting words in my mouth or acting like they know me when they don't. Instead of getting in a conversation with me and asking me questions, talking to me, trying to get to know me they just assume things. It's driving me crazy. I'm starting to get ornery about it. I'm starting to fight back about it.

Tonight, I was talking to someone about the scholarship that we did for the writing conference that we attended with Toby. She asked me if we knew who it went to (we do) and then she asked me something about when we went back.  I replied that we didn't go back. She seemed confused and seemed insistent that we did return. Not only did we NOT go back to that conference, that's a very sore point for me. For a long time, I couldn't even look at those pictures. Even the coordinator talked about how hard it would be for her to return to that particular location because of the memories of Toby. The person I was talking to wouldn't drop it. She went on about how she KNEW that I would have gone back there because she knew that I liked going back places that I visited with Toby because they were happy memories for me and that she knew that the reason I didn't go back for that conference was because I was pregnant with Iris and I had trouble with that pregnancy and couldn't do as many trips as I wanted to do and...

Good GOD!


How about just stopping me and asking instead of rambling on and on and on!?

The fact is, I do NOT enjoy going back and visiting places that I went to with Toby. It's hard. It makes me sad. It gives me panic attacks. I don't know if I will ever be able to enjoy Nashville again. I had to change Sam's doctor's office because of it and I LIKED his doctor.

Secondly, you do NOT have to lecture me about my life as though I was not there for it. I lived it. Okay? I am well aware that I experienced pregnancy problems with Iris. You don't have to give me a rundown of them.

I don't know why I am feeling bitchy.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm feeling like people think they have a little bit of information and think they have a lot.

I feel like I talk but nobody wants to actually listen. They're too busy planning what they're going to say next. That's why I like my blog. I can at least get my thoughts out.


Maxie's Mommy said...

I also don't like going places we went with Max. It hurts too much. I even have trouble with the idea of going to our own vacation home, which is in Paradise (Costa Rica). I have no idea when I will ever go back there because my last trip was with a four month old Maxie. People don't know anything about how this experience goes. Lucky them!

Rebecca said...

It's really hard. And I don't think we should have to justify our feelings to anyone.

This person was actually arguing with me about how I felt, telling me that my feelings were something that they were not, rather just asking me or listening to me. It made me angry.