Wednesday, June 20, 2012


On a SIDS board, a member wrote in and suggested some "great" helpful books about grieving child loss. Since they were all heavily religious, I asked if anyone had read any helpful books that were not Christian-based. For one thing, the religious ones do nothing for me. For another thing, the board itself is interdenominational and we have members from all over the world on it-from Dubai to, well, my neck of the woods. 

The reply I got was, as one member put it, "hurtful." I thought it was snarky myself but it's something I was used to. It said the following: "I wanted you to know that I have been Praying for you....sad that you couldn't find comfort in books that are "Christian" based....I wish you well & will continue to Pray for you! I really feel that I would NOT have made it thru the loss of Mady without having God to hold me up! And for that, I am eternally grateful!"

I rolled my eyes when I read it. 

I don't know why people assume that because someone doesn't share THEIR faith means that they don't have any faith at all. That's a little presumptuous. I never said I didn't have faith. 

Since there's nothing I could possibly have replied back that would have explained myself or made the situation any better I just left it alone. I know my mother would have had a lot to say about it.

On any other day, that reply would have made me very angry and I probably would have said too much. On the day I read it, it just had to get in line behind a host of other things that made the day suck. 


Never mind. I couldn't let it go. After two days of thinking about it, I posted this reply:

"That was hurtful and completely unnecessary, especially since I have been supportive on here. 

This is an interdenominational grief support board. Our members come from all over the world and therefore share a diversity of religions. Some of us are Muslim, others are Jewish. Still, others are agnostic and aethiest. Everyone deserves to be respected. Grief and child loss has affected us all and the support should be reciprocated, regardless as to what our various cultures and religions are.

Although I may not be Christian, I never said that I didn't have faith. Just because I don't practice your particular religion doesn't mean I don't practice a religion and don't feel just as strongly about mine as you do yours.

And, for what it's worth, I wasn't even talking about the book that you mentioned. I was referring to a later one that was mentioned."

How can people feel comfortable posting if they think they're going to be ostracized for not sharing the same belief system? I think religion and faith should be the least of our issues right now when it comes to support. 


Susan said...

Since Catherine died, I find the idea of an omnipotent being (who presumably could have chosen not to let her die) pretty upsetting. So I think I am probably guilty of making narky remarks when I get told He loves me, or sent me Miss M etc.

I suppose we are all grieving so differently - it's a nice ideal to be respectful - but often it is hard to achieve.

Now I am off to try and second guess your spiritual leanings? :)

Maxie's Mommy said...

The whole thing has me so pissed off. I am not going on those boards for a while either. I find it interesting that the "snarky" comment came from someone who ISN'T EVEN A MOTHER OF A SIDS BABY! She is a babysitter! She has some nerve! That and that the other judger on that board is a SIDS auntie - always telling us moms what to do - get counseling, don't get pregnant too soon, go to a grief group - not suggestions but like the Ten Commandments of losing a baby to SIDS. Unbelievable. I tried to re-read it from a different perspective, like, maybe she just really is praying for you - not trying to make you feel bad that she is praying for you. But then, why can't she pray for you and just not tell you about it? Seems like a more genuine way to pray for someone whose soul you are really worried about if you ask me.

Rebecca said...

I guess I can now mention that it was Maxie's Mommy that commented back on that post after the woman made that comment. :-) She beat me to it.

Yes, and I see that she has replied again. I didn't even read it. I was also going to mention that this wasn't a parent but a babysitter but I forgot. It is a little strange.

I really think that she meant she was praying for me because of the Christian thing. I get that a lot.

Susan, I have made snarky remarks in the past. Sometimes I just can't help myself.

Rebecca said...

And don't even get me started on the auntie woman. That seems to be my nemesis.

Maxie's Mommy said...

Actually,'she wrote a really nice apology that I believe was heartfelt. Her comment definitely took me aback but her apology is sincere I think.

Rebecca said...

All right. I'll go look at it. I just couldn't handle anything mean.

Rebecca said...

You're right. It was a nice apology. I'll do another blog entry that will explain that.