Monday, June 18, 2012

Removing a post

The last entry made someone mad so I have removed it. I do thank Susan for the comment, however, and am sorry that it had to get deleted as well.There have been people who were helpful during my surgery. I thought I thanked them enough on here and on FB for sending the flowers, soup, and feeding the dogs. I guess I didn't do it enough.I am grateful for those who did help out.

The fact is, though, I will never understand how I can blog about getting my child's death certificate, having brain surgery, and feeling suicidal and hear nothing from people and yet I talk about my feelings getting hurt and suddenly it warrants a long message about how my entries are "hurtful", "offensive", and "misleading."

I do NOT understand that. I never will. And that division is enough to warrant the loss of a friendship for me.


Carry on. 


Anonymous said...

I made it real easy on people...if they didn't come to my kid's funeral or I didn't hear from them within the next week or so then I cut them out. End of story.

I read your other entrry. You shouldn't have taken it down. I have read all your entries now.

Rebecca said...

I have had trouble maintaining friendships and relationships since Toby died. I know that this is my fault due to the anger, sadness, and overwhelming grief that I feel and I've never been good at masking things. I do feel like I have put forth a huge amount of effort though. I have done my best to be cheerful, happy, pleasant, and likable to the extent where I have put other people's comforts and needs ahead of mine. There just comes a point where it's too much. It might be time to figuratively start over and work with what I've got instead of with what I had.

Rebecca said...

This was actually Susan's comment on the other post. I found it...


Oh no - I'm sorry. I could write a hugely long reply to this - in fact I will write a blogging response later when I get a moment. I think it essentially comes down to sickness and grief being a bit boring and uncomfortable for other people. I also think people are genuinely clueless - I have similar tales of people telling me - if only I stopped going to the graveyard etc etc then I would feel better. Gee - if only I had thought of that! Losing a child, having a serious illness - these are all big rites of passage. Most people will NEVER experience them. They haven't got a clue. If when you'd become parents, you had been forced to only mix with your single friends, and you'd never met another parent - imagine how many people would have told you, you were paretnting all wrong, and what a mess you were making. It goes without saying, I would love to hang out x

Anonymous said...

I, too, have a lot to say about this. I read the other post, too so some of my reply will be about that.

I have cut most people out of my life and started over and it was the healthiest thing I could have done. I found that I no longer felt comfortable pretending to be something that I wasn't and the effort to try to be cheerful and happy and make THEM feel comfortable all the time was too much. My friends squirmed when I brought up my daughter and her death and mostly acted like it had never happened at all. The anger I felt toward people who didn't come to her funeral or visitation never went away and that wedge was always between us. I couldn't deal with it. My "new" relationships felt more authentic and relatable and while I grieved the old ones, I knew it was for the best-for my own mental health!

Secondly, I don't know which person got offended at your post but it was probably because they felt defensive. People can ignore cry for help or sadness or grief but they can't ignore feeling slighted. That will get them every time.

Personally, I don't think you said anything bad. You said your feelings were hurt and that you felt emabrassed and mortified and pathetic. That someone took offense to that speaks more about them than you, IMHO.

Lastly, I believe that you have handled a lot on your plate with dignitity, courage, and grace. I have to question someone who would try to make you feel bad days after getting your son's death certificate and right on the heels of life threatening brain surgery.To me that is a smack my head moment.

I have had a lot of problems with people telling me that I am not thankful or grateful enough for the support that I have been given. The truth is, as mean as it sounds, a thumbs up on Facebook and the occasional comment on a status update and two visits in three years does not constitute much support in my mind and that's about all that the majoriy of people have given me. I'm sorry that it's not enough but it's not.

Hang in there and keep trucking. I have said many times that I would rather walk this road alone than I would walk it with people who I can't be myself around.

~ A fellow clucker

Rebecca said...

I take responsibility for what I write. I have never posted anonymously so I have had to deal with the aftermath with what my words have brought-good or bad.

If I hurt someone's feelings, then I feel bad about it. I feel really bad about it. My gut reaction is not to get mad at someone if they feel hurt by me. I know that's a common reaction, though, so I deal with that as well.

I believe it does come down to the new normal. Clearly, there is a division now. I couldn't possibly feel comfortable around someone who is judging me and my reactions. I can't walk on eggshells forever. And I need to be able to feel entitled to my opinions and feelings. If I can't, then what's the point of the fiendship?

For the record, I didn't think I said anything bad about anyone. I spent the entry talking about how I felt-embarrassed and pathetic. I didn't comment on the person's personality or character. If anything, I thought I was commenting more on mine. It was a very rough night for me and I was trying to get it all out.

My husband says that after awhile he thinks people start thinking that because so many bad things have happened to us that we MUST be bad people. I agree. I think that if people don't start thinking that there's something wrong with us to warrant the things that happen then they have to accept that those bad things can also happen to them and that's just a pill that's too hard to swallow.

Anonymous said...

I saw nothing in that post to warrant adding anymore stress to your life than what you already have. You just had BRAIN SURGERY for crying out loud!!! And you're taking care of two young kids. You need a break.

Susan said...

Applauds the fellow clucker

(clap, clap, clap)

Yes - what s/he said.

I think a grief blog is too much for people to handle. I have told very few people I write one. Even then, it has created so much angst - people get hugely defensive...

I don't remove posts - I really don't care if they offend people. If my blog makes me anxious, I take the whole thing off line. I've only ever done that once - but I like to know I have that option as a fall back x