Thursday, November 8, 2012

New Book, New Thoughts

Sometime in February, I will have a book coming out about my experience with SIDS. It won't just be my book, though. Several of the women I am friends with have contributed stories about their experiences. We've covered everything from coming home from the hospital to funeral expenses, religious discussion, the 6th month meltdown, and having a subsequent child. I'm calling it the "anti-guide" to infant loss. My husband says that it has some dark humor in it, and I guess I was kind of surprised that I can look at some things that way now.

I'm also going to keep working on organizing this blog in some way, like I organized my non-SIDS blog. I have found that one of the reasons why it's difficult for me to keep writing in this regularly is because I'm just not as SAD as I used to be. I'm still sad, of course, and I still get angry at the stupid shit people say and do. I don't forgive the people who hurt us along the way-I'm not that big of a person. And I don't regret anything. I still have PTSD and certain things still trigger it, but I can now go weeks and even a month or two without having a bad day. (Let me tell you, after what happened in my last post, though, I had a complete meltdown.) The sadness and darkness just doesn't consume me like it used to. This isn't "moving on" in the sense that I am "over it" (for crying out loud, nobody ever gets "over it", whatever that means) but I do believe that I have moved on to a different kind of grief.

Eventually, I think life finally got in the way. having Iris definitely helped. I think she saved us, in a way, because she brought a certain amount of hope and newness to us that I honestly don't think we would have found otherwise. Some people thought we got pregnant too soon. I think the timing was perfect.

I will continue to write when I need to and post resources when I find them. I will never, ever give up on helping educate others about SIDS, fighting for my SIDS parents when I need to (those of you who are Facebook friends with me know what I'm talking about) and standing up for myself when I have to. Together, we've made some significant changes and I am happy to have met some of the people that I have along the way, just sad that it had to be under these circumstances.


Maxie's Mommy said...

I found it so strange that people were so opinionated about when I should get pregnant (I really wanted to underline and bold "I" but can't in the comments field). Even a psychiatrist advised me not to get pregnant (of course, that advice came when I was about 3 weeks pregnant with Mo and didn't know it). Mo is just about the very best thing that we could have done for ourselves AND he is a happy, loved and beautiful boy. I also got a lot of unsolicited words about how my sadness during pregnancy would affect him - that I would surely get a colicky baby (which I didn't!) Anyway, I am so glad for you that you are in this new phase. I have been feeling in a better place lately myself. Just as sad, but able to see outside of the loss tunnel for whole days at a time. XOXO- Abby

Jayden's Mommy said...

Rebecca as soon as its available I'm anxious to read it. And yes its true there are many people that say and do stupid things but please do know that your blog has help people like me. A mom that was so new to this road and that felt like I was going crazy until I read your post and realize many of what I felt was okay. I wish I would write more, but I just can not bring myself to it. And even this post there are so many people that do not know what happen with Jayden and they criticize us for getting pregnant so soon but it was the best decision we could have made. We need hope, we need newness and can't wait to see our baby Kyle so soon. Love, Kira

Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I always think it's funny that people seem to be such experts on our uterus (uteri?) after we lose a child. It's like, suddenly all of these people know exactly what's best for us and what we should be doing. We had that a lot-some of it spoken to us, some of it spoken about behind our backs. I am glad we didn't listen. There is never a "good" time to have a baby. Like you said, Kira, we needed that newness. We needed something else to look forward to. Without Iris' impending birth, it was just a long, dark, empty nothing. The subsequent pregnancy isn't a replacement for the child you lost, but I think it can be a replacement for some of the worst of the grief. You're kind of exchanging some of that awful nothingness and despair with hope and there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's healing.

Abby, whole days at a time is great! I'm not going soft or anything. I'm still mad as hell and want to wring people around the neck. I was depressed as all get out during Iris' pregnancy. She's the happiest kid I've ever seen. :-)