Monday, March 25, 2013

Different stages

Early on, I got very confused by other grieving mothers who seemed to be at different stages than I was. Okay, confused isn't the right word. Sometimes, I would get downright angry. At one point, about 7 months after Toby died, I met a woman who had lost her child about a year earlier and she seemed so blase about her loss that is actually angered me. I have no idea why. It made me feel defensive. She was expecting her subsequent child and she was flippant about her plans for him, nonchalant when she talked about the way she handled her life after the loss of her son, and noncommittal about her plans regarding the anniversary of her son's death. I didn't get it. Okay, I was downright hateful to her at one point.

I am sorry about that.

The fact is, I "get it" now.

The poor woman had five other children. or six. Or something. Anyway, she had a lot. Much, much later on I read something else that she wrote regarding the birth of her subsequent child and how scared she was and how nervous she was. Honestly, I think we had a lot more in common than I knew at the time. Like me, she didn't follow all of the preventions and rules. Like me, she doesn't follow the vaccination schedules. Like me, she co-sleeps. Like me, she ended up not using a Snuza after the first couple of weeks because it made her a nervous wreck.

After the first year of grief, something clicked inside of me. I no longer felt that awful, horrible grief that I had felt for the first year. I no longer felt the numbness, either. Instead, I started feeling a lightness. I started feeling GOOD. And that actually made me feel guilty. It almost made me feel worse. And then I thought about jerks like me who had made people like me feel bad in the past. 

I hope she's doing okay now. I hope she knows I'm sorry.

1 comment:

Jayden's Mommy said...

It's so hard. It's so painful. But I'm sure she understood the newness and the stage you were at the time. I find myself a lot more angry this second year. The truth is we all are part of this club none us wish to be invited too. And I envy those that are ignorant to this pain.
Many highs Rebecca.