Thursday, August 22, 2013

Fuck It

Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of Toby's death. Last year when I announced on Facebook that it was the anniversary of his death two people deleted me for having "too much drama" and "talking about him too much." So this year I didn't say anything about him at all. Two people sent me private messages and three people wrote on my wall after I mentioned offhandedly that we had tried to go to the cemetery but hadn't been able to because of the rainstorm and lightning. (The lightning actually killed two people in my county yesterday. Yes, it was that bad.)

I don't care how bad this sounds...

Fuck it.

I am PISSED.

I am pissed that other people who have dead kids get to have balloon releases and shit and that people actually show up to them.

I am pissed that other people who have dead kids have benefits that hundreds of people show up and I had to cancel my own damn rainbow baby shower because nobody could come.

I am pissed that other people with dead kids have hundreds of blog followers who light candles in honor of their dead kids and send in pictures of those candles in remembrance yet when I even mention my child's anniversary date I get people deleting my ass.

I am pissed because I don't feel like my dead son is any less important than anyone else's but I sure as hell feel like his memory gets treated like it.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Honey, it would upset me too. I have followed your blog for years. I comment sometimes. I think the reason that maybe sometimes you and Toby get lost in in the internet cracks anyway is because you're not that pushy. You clearly have a lot of wonderful things going strong for you and it's easy to look at you and think that you're doing "well" and that things are going great for you. You're not like some of the other blogs I read sometimes that are always moaning about how awfukl things are. You seem to have things together so it's easy to think that you're doing "okay." Of course, nobody should take that for granted! I would reevaluate the people in your life, too. I've thought that for awhile.

Jodi Friesen said...

I thought of you and Toby yesterday. I read a comment of yours on Angela Rodman's blog about a month ago that mentioned your son's death date. It stuck with me, because Aug 21 is my son's birthday. So I have read a bit of your blog and story in the last week or two. Anyhow, as we were celebrating Emerson's 2nd birthday yesterday, I thought of you and Toby and said a prayer. You are right to be upset. I will pray that one day (SOON!) you will have people in your life that honour your son with you.

Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

Thank you Jodi. For some reason, this anniversary has been harder than the other two. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm starting to feel the distance a little more and that bring on a different kind of pain.

Happy birthday to little Emerson. :-) My daughter turned 2 back in July.

Jenny said...

Its a bunch of crap. I feel the same way. I haven't had people delete me and if they did good riddance. That's just ridiculous.
they don't just stop being because they are not here. I have a few people who I know will come to a balloon release at the cemetery. I was willing to do it completely by myself with my kids. I'm sorry and its ok to be pissed.

Maxie's Mommy said...

Your son is no less important than anyone's child. Of course. I am sorry you are feeling ignored. And, I think that your grief is at the surface because you've worked so hard on your book. You said it really brought up a lot of feelings that you hadn't felt in a while.

Anonymous said...

@Maxie's Mommy- I disagree to an extent. I don't think she needs a "reason" to be feeling bad to miss her son or to be feeling bad. I think the reasons she listed in her blog entry are pretty justifiable enough.

I lost my daughter 5 years ago next month to SIDS. I think my 3 year mark was by far the toughest of them all. I'm not sure what it was about the 3 year mark, but it hit me the hardest. Much tougher than the one year mark. I breezed through the second year. When I got to year 3 though, I could barely get out of bed.

I also blogged for the first 3 years. And here is what I learned...

The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

I didn't understand why other people had hundreds of followers on Twitter and I had 10. Why I only had 15 followers on my blog, despite the fact that I blogged my heart out every day. Why other people had these huge SIDS runs and benefits and raised thousands of dollars yet not one single friend of mine even mentioned my daughter on the anniversary of her death. I just didn't get it.

The fact was, I wasn't pushy either. I didn't hand out my blog address. I didn't comment on other blogs. I didn't sign up for directories. I didn't post my blog links anywhere. I didn't join any support groups. Unless you did a random Google search, you wouldn't even know I existed. My friends didn't comment on the day my daughter died because they didn't remember. If they thought about it, they MIGHT have remembered that it was "sometime in the fall." But they wouldn't have remembered that it was in early September, much less the date. I didn't remind them. I didn't talk about the date.

I sat back and WAITED for people to come to me and mention it to me because I didn't want to be pushy about it. And they just didn't because they had their own lives and tragedies and dramas and eventually they moved on. I might have passed through their minds now and then, but without me being in their face all the time, they had no reason to think about me.

It was a sad, sad fact to face. :-(

Now, I just flit through the blogs as a ghost from time to time. I read about other people's journeys. I read about yours a LOT. I have stayed with you since the very beginning. I actually found your blog before your Toby died so I feel like I knew him a little bit. (I also had a placental abruption with my daughter.)

I DO know how you feel. And it sucks. I am sorry.

Maxie's Mommy said...

I lost a child too. I know she doesn't need a reason. There are days, months and hours that are harder than others. You climb up to the top and fall back down. I understand being in the darkness. And yes, I agree, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. I begged for people to light candles for my kid. Nobody would have done it if I hadn't asked. Why would they?

Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

It's true. I don't ask. I did try asking (once) but I felt pathetic for it and ended up breaking down and crying. It felt worse than nobody doing nothing at all. Two days after his anniversary this year someone DID light a virtual candle for him without me asking. That, alone with this comments, was the best thing that happened.

Amber Lang said...

I just found your blog, and I want to say thank you for being so honest! I lost a child at 18 months 6 years ago and just finally starting being honest about the experience. I've been keeping a blog myself, and find it very therapeutic. I'd be happy to share it with you if you're interested. I can't tell how much I appreciate finding other moms out there experiencing the same things I am. Thinking good thoughts for you and your family!

Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

Amber, thank you so much for your comment. Some days are better than others. I'm actually doing a bit better now than I was but there are still periods when I just have to let it all out, you know? This was one of those times. I would love to read your blog.

Amber Lang said...

Rebecca,
I feel like every day in some small way I hold back the "truth" about my experience. And then one of those bad days comes along. And suddenly it's all out there!
You can find my blog at www.the38day.wordpress.com
I'd love some feedback from a fellow loss mom!

Amber Lang said...

Rebecca,
I feel like every day in some small way I hold back the "truth" about my experience. And then one of those bad days comes along. And suddenly it's all out there!
You can find my blog at www.the38day.wordpress.com
I'd love some feedback from a fellow loss mom!